Addictions, Delusions and Nervous Ticks…..

I was going to try and get everyone involved in an experiment …. however her face was just too good to miss…...

I’ve always thought that the term “addiction” should be defunct. It’s just too broad a term. It’s one of those words like “bad”, “tired” and “fucked” that may have more than one meaning and just ends up being used to describe anything from a craving, to a need, to a nervous tick and even be part of an ad campaign. Words like that should be banned ….. it’ll help people learn new ones.

The history of the the term addiction is actually very interesting, it was first described by William Shakespeare e in 1599 in Henry V in relations to opium and has since grown to encompass many other habits and obsessions, some of them behavioral (we all know that guy in class who can’t stop washing his hands ….. fucking creepy) , some of them psychological (buying makes us feel good, that chocolate cake makes us feel even better and don’t even get me started on weed) and some of them simply occur because your body needs that chemical to function (e.g. nicotine, heroin and pethidine).*

For the most part we are all addicted (or more aptly fixated) upon certain things around us, for some it’s that cup of coffee, for others it’s that cigarette at the time of need and for many (far more than you can imagine) it’s that shot of vodka before bedtime.* and then there are the vain attention seeking types, these are the people who tend to get new haircuts regularly, change their “look” 10 times a season and can’t help but carry around that handbag that looks like a Hummer H2 with suspenders strapped on to either side (the fucking thing looks like you could bludgeon someone to death with it …..)

And despite what most people think, the vast majority of addictions, fixations and nervous ticks are harmless and the fact of the matter is that very few of us will end up going into rehab for over showering, over cleaning or drinking too much coffee,alcohol or diet coke (some of us may even boast about it) but some, very few end up harming themselves………

Obvious examples of fatal addiction include heroin addicts, those of us who’ve done more than their fare share of cocaine and ofcourse surgery addicts such as the young Korean lady recently doing the rounds on all the tabloids …..

Hang Mioku now 48 began undergoing plastic surgery at the age of 24, she started off going to local plastic surgeons in Korea who would inject her cheeks with collagen (the botox of the 80’s), since then she’s had over 106 different procedures done ……. now if you think about it that’s a little too much to swallow …. for one thing I don’t think you could do 100 procedures back to back on a human face (well you could but you’d have to for-go the 6 month waiting time for all the tissue swelling to go down) for another no human could afford to pay for 100 procedures back to back (well you could …. if you were Cher, Micheal Jackson or Demi Moore).

But good old Hang found a way of pulling it off with minimal overhead by cutting out the middle man after the first couple of surgeries and using cheaper …. erm …. biodegradable collagen/silicon/botox alternatives.

She decided to inject herself with cooking oil ….. it’s a wonder how she managed to pull it off without paralysing her face ,developing infection or developing gangrene ….. if the women went to medical school she would have been the best plastic surgeon ever !

But is her addiction legitimate? or is it just a habit gone wild? Based on most of the stuff I read about the woman and others addicted to surgery seems to be more of an obsessive habit rather than a full on addiction ….. oh well maybe I should have showed up for psychiatry in medschool ….. damn class was boring though ….. they should have used power point instead of those fucking transparencies …….

* Yes I am well aware of the the repetitve use of “for some”, “for others”, “for others” format …. my linguistic skills have been taking a nose dive lately….. apologies …..

No Regrets. they dont work *

Fuck the memories, fuck the regrets I say !

Fuck those awkward moments when some bastard managed to catch you fart in public, fuck that day you found out your girlfriend was cheating on you (and the third and fourth time that happened too), fuck that time you were caught running naked (or nekkid) across a football field ! (ecstasy isn’t an excuse, it’s a reason)

Those memories arn’t needed anymore ……

I (like many others) have fucked up and have been fucked over a couple of times and tend to have a slew of memories which haunt me at every given moment; infact one could argue that many of my unpleasant qualities (including my fowl work ethic, bad manners and inability to endure more than ten minutes of Cornation street) may stem from those fowl memories that fester within; which is why getting rid of them might not be such a bad idea, it might even be considered the new shock therapy for many of us who suffer from conditions such as post traumatic stress disorder.

With this in mind, scientists across the US and China have spent the past couple of years (and most of their natural lives) attempting to target and erase specific memmories from our psyche and unlike the old farts we have over here, these guys have managed to pull it off …… well in mice at least.

Joe Z. Tsien and his team have managed to find a way to target a specific chemical called CaMKII (think of it as a genetic remote control which can turn down the volume or completely erase a memmory) which they raise and lower using a very complex set of chemical reactions and in doing so can make a specific memmory less apparent.

Apart from the obvious uses in getting rid of that annoying ex (by erasing his/her memmories rather than your own) or those memmories of a nasty divorce, one would have thought that this type of tech would also have interesting applications in the military/intelligence/James Bond game …….

Incidentally, what memories would you like to get rid of? Would you infact get rid of them? and how much would you be willing to pay for the service? …… I smell a black market here …… and imagine being able to relax , unwind and get rid of that bad day at work ….. fucking brilliant …..

*Yeah …. not a big fan of Robbie Willams either …..

Summer of Love Stiffies and Waterlillies.

Tis the summer and we are all in heat, this while providing endless hours of entertainment for you and other/better/far more attractive half who-ever he or she may be, will provide most health care workers with an incessant headache and very little sleep. The problems sex brings just about start at STDs (which bar HIV and hepatitis, are actually quite easy to treat) and end with a myriad of fractures (yes, penile fractures do exist, it’s the shaft that breaks but there’s no actual bone involved), impacted foreign bodies and tangled limbs which often result in a rather awkward visit to your favorite local casualty.

It’s strange how clumsy people can be when they try to do things themselves. I can hardly keep track of the number of 16 year olds who come in to have their hymens checked, their testicles examined (they tend to get them twisted, which cuts of their blood supply and causes incredible agony) or complaining from rug burns, keloids (yes, keloids), scars and bruises on their stiffies and water lillies, all because they can’t get a hold of them selves (literally).

Getting some one to lend a hand or an orifice doesn’t help either; first timers tend to end up with teeth marks (yes, they do leave a scar) and hickeys (both of which aren’t exactly the kind of things you’d want to peer at in the shower).

And then there are the pioneers(=retards who have a bagpipe fetish) ……

How many professionals (=porn stars) have you seen blowing air into some-one vagina when they’re going down on them?

Have you ever wondered why they never do that?

It’s because ever since the 1930’s people have known that if you blow air up some-ones hoo hoo it has to go somewhere, usually the brain, abdomen or lungs leading to a stroke, pulmonary embolism (clot in the lung) or severe abdominal pain.

Then there’s recto-anal stimulation. I’ve come to expect everything from brooms, to cucumbers, to deodorants and even beads to come marching up to casualty sandwiched between 2 pale bum cheeks. These while presumed safe when the person “wasn’t really thinking” may cause rectal tearing, anal fissuring and of-course excruciating pain both on the way in and out. The trick in these cases (as with most things) is to take it slow, start small and know exactly what you are doing.

The excuses people usually give are either I was asleep when it happened, I fell on it by mistake or that they were trying to stick their hemorrhoids back in (yes; they were trying to stick their hemorrhoids back in….). The patients usually come with an accomplice who tries to remain silent and may carry a guilty look followed by sheer horror once the x-rays/ CTs are done and a subsequent sigh of relief once the object is recovered/delivered (and yes you do get to keep it; the mystic ass box from TV doesn’t really exist; if it did it would be more like a giant U-haul than a box)*

Well at least people still haven’t heard of rectal rodents yet …. that’ll probably lead to a rabies epidemic all across the damn country.

So the next time you and your partner decide to do the nasty make sure you that you have as much fun as you can and actually know what your doing (it’s what the internet was made for people !)

* well maybe not a u-haul but it would definitely be a big ass box….

Fucked Up Medical Facts

Here it goes:

  • The brain has no pain receptors, when you have a headache it’s the changes in pressure inside the skull that you are feeling rather than “true” pain. (well at least that’s what I was taught in med school … I find it hard to believe TBH, a headache is a headache because there’s pain involved.)
  • In addition to fingerprints we are also born with unique tongue prints (i.e. no two tongues are alike).
  • Your feet produce about a pint of sweat per day; you filthy animal you ……
  • Carbon monoxide poisoning takes about 15 minutes to kill you. This is because it has to bind to a fair share of your hemoglobin and has to get across the lungs to do it. Limited rates of movement (diffusion) across the lungs is where the bottle neck is at.
  • Sleep deprivation will kill you in 10 days. Most people go into seizures by day 4 of complete sleep deprivation.
  • At one point infecting a person with malaria was considered an option in the treatment/control of HIV.
  • Contrary to popular belief our hair will grow after a course of chemo, it may just be a different color and texture.

Apologies as there’s very little to write about these days

Another Excellent Week …..

Well for some of use at least.

From the establishment of management/treatment protocols for clubbers and ravers in England who may have had too much to drink or perhaps the wrong set of pills (yes we do have them in Kuwait as well) to the development of new ways to stop malaria dead in its tracks which will undoubtedly prevent thousands of deaths in developing countries; this week has been an exciting week for medics all around the world.

We’ve (by we I mean people in the Netherlands who I’ve never heard of) even managed to come up with new ways to look at individual arteries in the heart using ultrasound (think of it as a nano radar) so that our coronaries can be monitored more accurately than ever before and in real time and heart attacks can be diagnosed and treated in minutes rather than hours or even days…..

Even scientists in Australia have taken time off from surfing (the lucky bastards) and managed to devote countless hours (not to mention millions in R & D costs) to the development of “living” pour on (liquid) condoms that could prevent the spread of AIDS (or at least lower your chances of getting it).

Which brings me to our contribution to the fight against disease; the political equivalent of a flame war over a bunch of health-care workers having fun on their time off.

Great ….. just great ….

While others are dedicating their time and money to finding out if sunlight is to blame for type I diabetes.(An endeavor which should be a priority for our boys/girls since diabetes is practically endemic in this country.) We’re spending countless man hours chasing after people for reasons/actions that have no effect* on the standard of care their patients receive. (Legality and morality aside; the ministry should have more important priorities).

Oh well I guess it’s one more reason why health-care is so damn good in this country……………

* Apologies; I never learned when to use effect and when to use affect……

Medical Slang

Learn the lingo kids:

404 error: missing file/document/CAT scan etc

Goomer/ C&Ts/Cabbages and turnips: Comatosed patients

Rear Admiral: Procotolgist, ass doctor,

ALP (ACUTE LEAD POISONING) Gun Shot Wound

Ass Grapes: Hemorriods, the kind that tend to hang out.

C in C (Crack in Crack): Anal Fissure (more on that later)

Bordeux: Blood stained Urine

AGMI: Ain’t Gonna Make it

AHF: Acute Hissy Fit

HYS: Hystrical

APTFRAN: Apply pillow to face, repeat as needed.

ATS: Acute thespian syndrome (faking it)

B-52: 5mg Haldol + 2mg Ativan (yisda7 feel)

Baby Catcher/ Stork Whisperer: Obs and Gynea Specialist (baby/mommy doctor)

BBCs: Bumps, Bruises and Cuts.(i.e. nothing serious)

Pecker Checker: Urologists- usually specialising in STDs or STIs

Jock/QB/Blade: Surgeon

Gas man, Gas Jocky, Gaswallah: Aneasthetist

Cath Jocky: Cardiologist

BMW: Bitch Moan and Whine

Brothel Sprouts: Genital Warts

Calling Doctor Blue = I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with him

Celestial Discharge: Dead

CHAOS: Chronic Hurts All over Syndrome

Chocolate Hostage: Constipation

Cockoo= CCU= Cardiac Care Unit

Dilligaf (”dillygaf”): Do I look Like I Give a Fuck.

DPS: Droppy Penis Syndrome.

ELFs: Evil Little Fuckers= Annoying Kids

FABIANS: Felt Awful But I’m Alright Now Syndrome.

The Sad fact is that I’ve yet to use any of these terms in Kuwait …. it’ll only add to the chaos and turmoil.

Get Real …. Kiss My Ass!

The mid to late nineties as far as I was concerned, were characterized by kick ass video games, crap internet, irc (who remembers #hollwood on efnet ;) ) and Orbit satellite TV which happened to contain a crap TV show ….. all about “Getting it Real”. (yes, I am referring to Dr. Phil).

You see Dr. Phil tricked me into doing medicine. As far as I knew back then all I had to do to fix a problem was scream “get real” and look like a red neck in a suit 2 sizes too small for my lard laden behind …..

Little did I know that he was a PhD rather than an MD….. and a crap one at that. The difference between the two is that one is an academic doctor (PhD) who’s mind is supposedly honed, patient and is generally skilled at his craft and will probably end up finding the cure for cancer, while the other gets screamed at, sneezed at and thrown up on for a living and can never get the time to study for that 3rd post grad exam he has to take (the M.D.).

Phil McGraw does none of the above, he does have a PhD but rarely contributes to research in his field, or gaining further insight into it. Instead, he spends his time rounding up a bunch of retards, making them cry on public TV and ending his show with a message related to, about or defined as “getting real”. He is essentially Jerry Springer for those of us who can’t stand the sight of hookers, pimps and weed smoking white trash.

As with most things satanic in nature McGraw started his career in Texas; after finishing a PhD who’s thesis was entitled “Rheumatoid Arthritis: A psychological intervention” he began a company along with his father and a family friend called “Pathways” (it basically gave motivational seminars in small groups and charged people a bundle for it) which he went on to sell his share of without telling any of the other share holders (including his father ….. the selfish cunt). McGraw then went on to work in a legal consultancy firm and met Oprah along the way. She provided him with his big break (= a five minute spot on her show) which catapolted him to fame, fortune and tricking me into working for a healthcare system which makes me want to gouge my eyes out every day and will probably kill me in the end.

And if you were wondering why I neglected to mention McGraws private practice, you needn’t wonder any longer. The dumb shit managed to get himself suspended barely a couple of years after opening it. A complaint was issued by one of his employees when he tried to erm …. start a “dual relationship”* with her …. this led the Texas State Board of Examiners of Psychologists to sanction him and suspend his practice until certain conditions (namely attending a couple of courses and being assesed for comptence both behaviourally and physically) were met ….. needless to say McGraw has yet to meet these requirements and remains suspended from practice……. yet he still managed to invite himself to a Britney Spears intervention which she didn’t want, her family didn’t want and the press didn’t need for ammunition ….. personally I blame K-fed … He prolly asked Dr Phil for an autograph, one thing led to another and Britney ended up “getting it real”.

So the next time you hear the phrase “Get Real” coming out of that loud mouth Texan just remember how he managed to stab his father in the back, force Oprah to hire him in return for some legal advice and get his license suspended for a erm ….. “dual relationship”* as well as tricking this dumb shit into selling his soul to the devil when he could have been an English Lit. Major and enjoyed what he does best (sitting on my fat ass and reading Elmore Leonard)

* yeah ….. I couldn’t get what dual relationship meant either, I think it means he tried to be a little too friendly ……..

HUZZAH TO THE GOOD LIFE!!!!!

It was late 2000 and the soon to be Dr. Arnold Kim, M.D.(following in the foot steps of his father) started his website …. the now famous macrumors.com (if you own an ipod and don’t know the site then you should break it ….. you are simply ignorant and should not be allowed to own an ipod, iphone or any other apple product ….. except that pricey paper weight that is the Apple TV…… ).

Since then Dr. Kim has had to balance a career in medicine as a nephrologist (kidney doctor ….. trust me it’s like rocket science only with a half blind drunk pilot at the helm of the billion dollar rocket you spent a lifetime building; damn patients never listen to a word you say …. especially those with kidney problems … the bastards don’t listen to you till it’s too late …..) with a job sifting through countless rumors about Apple products and decide which ones were written by four year old with active imaginations and which ones were written by that flunky that was recently fired from Apple.

But as of the 1st of July 2008 Dr. Kim has hung up his stethoscope and has devoted himself full time to macrumors.com, his family and more importantly the good life ……. I wish him all the best and hope to one day follow in his foot steps ….. lord knows it’s probably every doctors dream at some point in their career ………..

P.S. His Blog can be found here.