Archive → December, 2008
Merry Christmas to you all …… and Beware of Old Men Bearing Gifts …..
The post was cleaned up alot. Iit had alot more on how Saint Nick was a phoney and most paedophiles used santa costumes, etc …..
Walking around malls in Christmas time (in most westernised countries at least) you can’t help but notice a rather rotund looking person wearing an ill fitting red suite and a fake beard. You also notice a bunch of fed up kids waiting in a cue to take pictures with him and a rather gullible set of parents drooling, wide eyed as they see their kid perched on the lap of a complete stranger wearing a suite and beard to disguise his identity ….. if that aint a M.O. of a paedophile getting his jolly on and abusing peoples sense of faith and religion even more than the clergy then I don’t know what is ……
Besides most historians tend to brush off Saint Nick as one of the made up ones and the whole red and white clothing along with the flying reindeer and the gifts probably came from ancient nordic culture.
Yes, you read right …. it all dates back to time Sami people of northern Europe; they used to have these Shamans who were kind of like the pillar of their community, they would predict the future, go soul searching and generally speaking have all the magical power you’d expect a shaman of good standing to have. They also incidentally wore Red and White Robes and like most hacks who prayed on peoples gullibility tended to grow beards.
The methods by which they performed these super natural feats involved a hefty measure of Muscaria Mushroom (a.k.a. fly agaric) or more commonly psychedelic mushrooms. Now the problem with these mushrooms is they they were never all that potent in their regular form so shamans used to feed the mushrooms to their reindeer (who loved the stuff …. not surprising really, who wouldn’t want to get a buzz on in the middle of winter in 11th century Europe ???) and would collect their urine and drink that instead. So that the active ingredient (muscimol) would be more concentrated and would really have a kick to it …..
Having gotten pissed (yes, the origin of the term is the ingestion of muscimol laced reindeer urine) the shaman would go into a trance and would make a couple of noises (was HO HO HO one of them perhaps?) and experience the following:
- Macropsia (everything gets bigger)
- Expanded Perception (everything will seem to fly around … including his pet reindeer)
- A sense to talking to the higher powers (angels, demons, gods, prophets, etc)
And once he woke up (they were all men in those days) he would tell everyone about it and they’d all think that they were touched by the gods; the shaman would then leave in a customary manner (i.e. through a whole at the top of the hut ….think of it as a poor mans chimney….) and be on his way to go get high with another family he would be visiting that night and probably tell them how he predicted that they youngest son will grow up and have 3 kids, 2 reindeer and be invaded by one of the neighbouring nations/villages giving them the gift of for-knowledge when it comes to calamities, natural disasters and their future in general.
So the next time you decide to tell your son/daughter/kids sister about Santa be sure to mention that he used to get high on reindeer piss, lie to people about what he saw to get a free meal then escape through the roof before they ever found out and remember …… every shopping mall Santa is a paedophile …. no amount of money on earth could make you go through a 6 hour stint with 100 kids screaming at you unless you were sick enough to enjoy it …….
One More Reason to Chug a Bottle of Cough Syrup …..
This post is far too short …. apologies …. ti’s a replacement for a really long Xmas post that was just too filthy …. even for by own lowly standards ….
Cough syrup actually taught me how to drink ….. as a young sickly lad you’d take a gulp of something that feels like it’s burning your tongue then you feel slightly better 20 minutes later …. if that isn’t a prelim to get you hooked on drinking I don’t know what is…. damn drug companies were prolly in cahoots with pub owners back then ……
But besides that cough syrup is good for other things, like getting off crystal meth (thanks, to the codeine* most brands contain …….. except those in Kuwait….. it’s banned here…. well not banned but not publicly available either …..) and getting high (you’d have to chug the whole bottle but it works ……. or so I hear ……. pretty good buzz too) and recently we’ve found out that the stuff is also good for curing cancer ….. well at least a couple of them …….
Dr Isreal Barken’s been using Noscapine (a regular component of most brands of cough syrup) to treat a number of types of cancer including prostate, lung and probably any other type of cancer in which a constant blood supply is required (most fortunately do); unfortunately (not unlike the Ministry of Health here in Kuwait) nobody really knows how Noscapine makes the tumours smaller. Still it does provide hope for the future and lets face it most of us didn’t know that the codeine is cough syrup was getting us high when we first took it at the tender age of four ……
* Codeine is a very mild sedative ….. it’s the stuff in NightNurse in small doses and a couple of shots of vodka in higher ones. Too bad it’s more addictive than heroin)
On Viriginity (alleged or otherwise), Anal Sex and STDs
As much as I’d like to share my thoughts about sex and sexuality (it’s been a while but the memories are still vivid…. I assure you) I think that Aesop in 560 BC may have done a far better job than I ever could when he said:
“It is with our passions, as it is with fire and water, they are good servants but bad masters.”
Ever since I could remember religious groups in the US (as well as many other countries) have been preaching and advocating abstinence and virginity pledges as the only sure fire way to prevent STDs and preserve the sanctity of marriage.
You’d think that their argument would make sense, for the most part sexually transmitted infections (or diseases) (STDs or STI’s) tend to occur as a result of well ….. sex and one could logically infer that taking sex out of the equation would make everybody feel safer and would be the ultimate cure.
However as with condoms, diaphragms, and the oral contraceptive pill the term abstinence seems to be far too complex for most of the US religious right to grasp ….. especially at the tender young age they tend to be roped into the whole thing at ……for the most part the damn kids (13-20) tend to get confused very easily and can’t quiet grasp the difference between no sex, oral sex, anal sex and everything but vaginal sex. And with that in mind a substantial number of pledges have decided to engage in everything but vaginal sex (the damn lemmings think that the backdoor doesn’t count ….. fucking priceless) which has lead to an increase in anal sex amoung the little angels and almost no reduction in the rates of sexual transmitted diseases in that age group.
So it turns out that virginity pledges have done practically nothing to reduce STD rates and have ensured that the incidence of anal sex is on the rise (if that isn’t irony I don’t know what is ….. fucking priceless) and worst still a recent study now says the the vast majority* of pledgers tend to lie about the previous sexual history in the first place (wanting to become born again virgins ….. no wonder they all loved Britney way back when)
Then again all of the studies mentioned/linked to above (not to mention common sense and vivid memories of teenage angst) could all be wrong , as a recent study published be the RAND corp. claims the pledges do actually work and they even make using condoms easier for the little buggers !!! Oh well my bad (its not like the RAND corporation has ever been accused of anything to do with the religious right, trying to influence politics or has ever been run by republicans in the past….. and yes I am being sarcastic)
I guess it’s back to using condoms and wishful thinking …….
SMS Texting Gets a Kids Hand Chopped Off ……
Special thanks to intlxpatr for the butterfly award nomination. I think I got into blogging because I was bored and figured it’d help me kill some time. I’m glad people enjoy reading what I write and hope to continue to impress. I think I’l nominate the following:
Plastic(sorry, I know you hate this type of thing),
L’s Brain (I don’t know how to do that symbol thing …. apologies)
MAR of Alhamour.com
Please let us know how/why you got into blogging etc …… brevity would be appreciated …..
Well not exactly …. Dr David Nott who is currently working with/for/under Medicin Sans Frontiers (or doctors without borders) in the Congo was faced with more than he bargained for when a hippo crushed a young lads arm (when I say arm, I mean all the way upto the shoulders), he had to try and perform a very difficult amupatation which involves the shoulder blades (it’s called an upper limb dis-articulation) and the fact the he had never done it before made matters even worse.The boy would have to face a slow and painful death from the gangrene he would develop as days went by ……
But thanks to modern technology and all the of the fruits it bears the good doctor managed to get a friend of his to send him a 10 step for dummies guide via SMS. The kids is now doing very well all thanks to the fine efforts of telecoms companies around the globe (bar zain and wataniya ofcourse, who can’t even get caller ID turned off for gods sake).
Oh well I guess it’ll only be a matter of time before kuwaiti doctors end up sending SMS’s to the bengali at the door with clear instructions on how to treat their patients (with Adol/cough syrup/ventolin/multivitamins/cortisone) while they bask in their shaleh, home or apartment they keep for that thing they have going on the side………………
We’ll scream at you, give you the wrong meds and maybe even beat you to a pulp ….. but we’ll never rape ya …..
Apologies everyone, I’ve been taking a little break from everything. You see after the erm …. “incident” I’ve decided to strom out of work and have spent the past couple of days watching weeds and playing Gears of War 2 while catching up with my reading ……. Anyway here’s another morbidly distrubing post for all of you to enjoy …….
Our noble profession has recently sunk to a new low and surprisingly this hasn’t been as a result of the hard work (or lack there of) of my collegues here in Kuwait. For the first time in a long time I’ve found another healthcare provider to gripe about, another set of administrators, doctors and ward attendants to prove how dumb/bad/just plain wrong (in the Hannibal Lecter sense) doctors/nurses are.
The british healthcare system (the NHS) was once known for being robust, reliable and efficient, during the 80′s however it did go into s slump (Thatcher blamed the immigrants for the most part) and since then has gone on to try and rectify things.
For the most part they have improved remarkably over the past 2 decades, GP’s actually diagnose people, surgeons try their best to look out for their patients interest rather than just slice and dice and emergencies are dealt with within minutes rather than the 8+ hours US medicare and Medicaid is now famous for and the complete lack of urgency our boys seem to practice like a goddamn national sport.
However as with any corpration, group of people or football soccer football soccer team there’s always the one person who ends up fucking a sheep and giving everybody else a bad name (for boxing it was Mike Tyson, for us it was Bin Laden and his crew and in the case of the music industry it was Britney Spears) and the NHS is no exception.
Over the past few months over 30 different cases of sexual assault on patients have been reported and although they were initially isolated to psychiatric centers (and were therefor ignored by the higher ups) they have recently also been reported on general medical wards. The worst part is that it seems to be happening to patients who are heavily sedated or too sick to do anything about it and the person(s) involed were for the most part fired and set free without enduring any legal penalties, this was mostly because there wasn’t enough evidence to convict them (the smart bastards)
So the next time you find yourself pissed of with that MRI appointment booked for next year or that fucked up nurse that bruised you while taking your blood just remember thing could be worse …….
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