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Farts.(a.k.a. Longest post on the planet 2)

Sorry everyone, this was supposed to be really informative post but then I went back and reviewed the penis farts one and it turned into this ……

They’re both the bayne of our existence the source of most of our humor (Particularly in the case of 3 of my near and dear friends who use them as weapons of war whenever they are around me … even in public …..wait …..whew …sorry ….. I’ll have to take a shower after the last one).

They’re also one of the main things people ask me about ….. they love asking about them almost as much as they like asking me about they’re blood pressure, diabetes and what to do if they break the hymen by mistake (the answer is nothing ……. just live with it and never bring it up again ……)

So here is an FAQ on our second favorite bodily function (right after sneezing …. orgasms are overrated …there’s all that mess to clean up …..):

What are farts made of? How do we make them?

It’s a combination of air we swallowing air, gas produced by chemical reactions in our gut and gas produced by bacteria in our bowel. The composition of said farts varies heavily but is generally regarded as a combination of Nitrogen, oxygen and in 33% of adults methane (farts that can burn your ass of if you hold a match to them). The nitrogen levels rise as you hold the fart in and since the odour is largely nitrogen based it makes sense that the ones we hold in are the nastiest.

Interestingly the family that lives together produces the exact same type of fart in terms of composition.

Why do they stink?

Two compounds are thought to be responsible for the odor, Nitrogen based ones give you the rotten egg smell, where as the burny smell comes from hydrogen sulfide.

Why do they make noise and what effects the tone, pitch and wave length?

The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus. Contrary to a popular misconception, fart noise is not generated by the flapping of the butt cheeks.

Not the but cheeks?

No, not the but cheeks. That flapping as your anal canal, your but cheeks flap when they’re slapped. Get somebody to slap your ass and note the difference.

What about silent but deadlies?

These are farts from small amounts of gas that have almost no injested air and are very concentrated.

How much is normal?

About a liter. If you hit 14 per day then your are a fucking blimp or should learn to swallow without inhaling air.

How do I do that?

Eat with your mouth closed.

How long does it take people in the room to smell it? and how long does it linger?

Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever.
Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

Why is there a delay between the thunder and the lightening as it were?

You hear it before you smell it because the speed of sound is faster than the speed of air convection. So the fart travels to your ear faster than it travels to your nose.

Are there people who never fart?

Fuck no! I’ve seen dead bodies let one rip shortly after their demise. We fart even when we’re dead!

Do men fart more than women?

Based on my limited experience no. This answer is largely subjective and I couldn’t find any research to support it.

Are men stinkier than women?

Fuck no, had a girl friend ….. hot body ….. worst dutch oven ever ……. smelt like dead rats left in the lab over the weekend …. I know ’cause I’ve smelt both …… sorry ladies, like vaginal regeneration cream, it’s an urban myth ……you’re just as bad as we are. (and yes, I’m sure she wasn’t a man)

Whens the best time to let one rip?

Morning thunder is my personal favorite ….. but to each his own.

What about beans?

You think beans are bad? try corn, bell peppers, cauliflower, cabbage, milk, bread, eggs, beer, and raisins (separately or all at once). Basically anything that you weren’t originally designed to eat or will increase fermentation (ti’7imir) in the gut.

Do people fart in their sleep?

Yes.

Can holding it in kill you?

Nope but it can perforate your bowel from over distention and that can kill you.

But if you hold it in long enough it will turn into a burp, right?

Fuck no. Burping is from gas still in the stomach. Farting is from gas that has traveled down further. It’s a one way system …. this isn’t the London Underground.

What types of farts are there?

Here is a list of a few I stole from teh interweb.

ALCOHOL FUNNY CAR FART : Right after you have a bunch of alcohol, you let one loose.

ASS BLASTER FART : Like an M80 exploding in your ass.

THE ATOM BOMB FART : The atom bomb fart is loud as heck, and it smells bad too. Also results in a big explosion, and everyone falls to the ground.

BALLSY FART / GUTSY FART : Your in a predicament where you would have to be gutsy in order to let it go…I let ‘em rip:)

BANANA FART : A roughly silent fart that squeaks out an odorous gas that smells like a rotten smelly old banana. .

BANANANA FART : As above, but longer…..

BARKING SPIDER FART : A non-smelling fart which occurs in a crowded place. The farter cannot be identified and the sound is therefore blamed on a ‘Barking Spider’.

BARREL OF LAUGHS FART : The kind of fart when you feel it coming a mile away, so you go and sit on your friends lap and let her rip. Sounds like some one’s rolling a barrel down your asshole.

BEAR FART (aka NITEMARE ON SMELL STREET) : The kind of fart that will wake you up at night because it smells so bad! They can be either silent or noisy: But they are the stinkiest farts imaginable! “Only a bear (with a bears’ diet) could produce a smell that rotten”

BEEFY ONE : Sounds loud, and butch e.g.. ‘BRAAAAMMPPP!’. Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dogturd.

BLIND DATE FART (a.k.a On the spot Fart) : Happens while you are on a blind date or meeting new people. While getting to know each other, looking your best, and putting your best face forward -BRRAAMP- You pray that it wasn’t heard, and try to play it off while others look uncomfortable.

THE BOWL FART : While squatting on the bowl, anticipating the arrival of a brown trout your gut blazes a trail for it by blowing a massive blast. The deep dish and hollow bowl allow for a nice reverb effect.

BREWER FART : You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.

THE BUBBLE FART : You feel at the edge of your ass and you think that it is gone but then it pops and is one of the most smelliest farts possible.

BUBBLE BOBBLE FART: This type of fart occurs while one is sitting. As one sits down, a gaseous bubble fart pokes out just a little bit under ones butt to cause a rocking sensation, as if one is sitting on a beach ball.

BUBBLE GUM FART : A bubbly but wet fart that smells so horribly bad you don’t even enjoy it.

BUBBLE-O-BILL FART : In the shower, cup your hands around your trouser trumpet, fill up with water, and blast away! Kind of sounds like a cappuccino machine.

THE BUDDAH : This fart is the mother of all farts. It starts out like a car’s engine vroom vroom and then it back fires (*BOOM*)and it knocks the family cat a couple of miles

BUN BUSTER FART : ‘BRAAA!’ Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells egg or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.

BURBLE FART : Bubbly! BURP ‘N’ FART : It’s when you burp and fart at the same time -but it doesn’t happen often.

BUSINESS CLASS REPRISAL : This fart occurs after lengthy delays at airports situated in tropical climates. After bitter arguments with flight attendants wishing to offer an assortment of Australian Sao biscuits with Albanian cheese spread, you reluctantly choose to scoff four trays of these disgusting looking but sweet smelling foodstuffs and proceed to encounter the Business class reprisal.

BUTT RIPPER FART : The kind that comes out so fast and hard that it rips your cheeks apart and makes you cry for all hell. And it smells horribly too!

BUTT ROCKET FART : This scary but predictable fart is provoked by eating large quantities of fast food at one sitting. It doesn’t make any appreciable noise until it is just about through. It is similar to the worrying fart inasmuch as the necessity to check your shorts for a stain is imminent. The smell is similar to that of a small child you just picked up and discovered that they poo pood in their pants an hour or two earlier.

CAMO-FART : If you’re sitting in class one day, and suddenly a little squeak pops out, and if someone asks you if you had just farted, be sure that your desk is tuned properly so that it may squeak at the same frequency as your fart. Then tell the person that it was your desk.

THE CATS MEOW FART (aka Metz’s EGO-TRIP) : This fart is so funky, it can only be laid by Lawrence Duane Metz in Texas. {So we are told}. It sounds like a slowly dying cat, and lasts roughly 7.5 seconds. Also, the wrinkled grin/face of agony has to accompany it!!

CHURCH HYMN FART : The kind where you’re sitting in church, you bend over to pick up a hymn book, and -PBBBBBBT!!!- a giant fart rips out. Fate dictates that you are sitting next to an old lady, who will scoot down the bench, looking disgusted.

SIDE NOTE: Confucius say, Man Who Fart In Church, Sit In Own Pew.

COMPOST FART : You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.

COMPUTER FART : The kind where you are playing on the computer, and it just slips out.

CRACKER JACK FART : Just like the well known caramel-covered chocolate treat, the cracker jack fart comes with a surprise in it –and off you go to the bathroom walking funny and hoping they are not out of toilet paper.

DELAYED REACTION FART : You have the urge, but it goes away. You go on about your business and a few seconds, or longer, later, ‘BBRRMMPHH’….

DIFFICULT TO LET OUT FART : In company you feel the strong urge to fart, but people are around you, so you squeeze your asshole to stop an explosion -preferring to slowly open and squeeze the hole in quick succession, to let the gas escape silently.

THE DOG FART : You let a fart so big, that you have to blame it on the dog.

EGGY FART : Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bun buster.

ESCAPE POD FART : You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

EXPLODING MOUSE FART : While trying to hold it in, some gas gets out making a squeak noise, and since relieving yourself a little bit felt so good, you let the rest out in a huge BRAP! Resulting in the exploding mouse effect…

FAMILY STYLE FART : Sounds homemade (not like mothers cooking) Is a loud ‘pppppuuuuuuufffff’And a explosion like no other.

FLAPPING FLUTTER FART : This one’s an earth shaker, but not too deadly on the odor side. It’s distinguished by its long and loud flutter sound, and its marked vibrations are felt by all who are on the same bed or sofa.

FLORAL FLATULANTS : These olfactic confections are typically generated when on vacation in tropical destinations. They are formed from the vacationer’s new diet of wild fruit drinks, coconut oils, and various local foods. They are very unique, and to the expulsion expert they are among the most pleasant scented. Some have often tried to bottle this scent, but it cannot be captured!

FLUTTER BUSTER FART : Farting whilst seated on a vinyl covered surface.

FOGGY WINDOW FART : You’re sitting in the car at night or early in the morning, and after some time of getting the windows defogged, someone has to fart and fog the windows back up.

GLAD IT WASN’T MINE FART : So nasty in smell, odor, and sound, that you have to thank God it it didn’t come from your behind!

GNL FART : Gambled ‘n’ lost. You take a gamble that it’s going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart…

GNL II FART : You take a gamble that it’s going to be a small quiet odor free fart, but it’s actually more like an explosion and there is no doubt that you are the stinker.

GOBBLE FART : Sounds like a turkey gobbling…. ”

GREETINGS!” FART : You let one rip as a greeting or a way to say, “Hi!”

GROWLING FART : Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.

GUNSHOT FART : Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don’t know they even exist. One report continues: “I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named.”

HAD TO SHIT BUT ONLY FARTED FART : You run to the bathroom with the urge to purge and you let her rip, only to find that you had a huge fart. If other people are in the bathroom (public restroom you sicko’s) you are really embarrassed.

HAY FEVER FART : Basically, you fart at the same time you sneeze.

HERSHEY SQUIRT : Feels like a silent burst of air but surprisingly you have a scrumptiously, gooey, squirty surprise.

HORROR MOVIE SCARE FART : You’re watching your favorite horror movie, or a new one, and by either suspense or fright, you let one rip!

HYDRATED FLUCTUATION (a.k.a WET FART) : The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.

THE I-LOVE-YOU FART : The kind of fart that sounds like “I luv u” in Arabic!

INDEPENDENCE DAY FART : Such an explosive whopper that it sends everyone screaming out of the city center.

THE INTERROGATIVE FART : Starts out low, and rises in pitch towards its conclusion. Sounds like your ass is asking a question.

IT’S STUCK!! FART : Usually a timid fart (not much air) and while your sitting down, but when you let it out, it sticks between the cheeks as a tiny air bubble. And no matter how hard you try, you just can’t pop the sucker out, no matter how hard you squeeze.

KWEEEEEF FART : Sitting in band class with perfect posture when you let a fart that sounds like a squeaking clarinet.

LAUGHING FART : When you are laughing so hard at something you fart, and you can’t deny it cause everyone heard it and you might as well admit your guilt!

LIQUID FART : It happens when the fart comes out in such a form that it feels like some sort of diarrhea -even if it isn’t.

LONELY FART : This is the type you do when you’re on your own, so you don’t care about the smell or the noise. Usually provoked.

LOUD AND DEADLY FART : Like the silent but deadly fart -except it is heard by everyone, and it will cause people to faint.

MARIO’S JUMP FART : Named after the famous and acclaimed Mario Jump, which, well, ..you know… sounds like Mario’s Jump -TOUUNG. Rather Quiet.

THE MEXICAN FART : The one that reminds you of the taco you had the night before and it makes you hungry.

MIGRATING FART : This fart sneaks out of your butt and remains there feeling about the size of a walnut or small tomato. It is when you sit up in a more erect posture that you feel it inch it’s way upward between the crack of your ass until the crack stops. The fart then apparently dissipates somewhere behind your back or perhaps inside your shirt.

AK47-FART : Strangely enough, sounds like someone shoved an AK47 up your ass. Let it rip, ‘cos it goes on for a while.

MORNING FART : The first thing out of bed fart. Long, loud, and not too smelly.

MOTHBALL FART : Noted for coming from elderly folks- usually in a casual manner with little to no noise. But when the scent is out- it reeks of mothballs and all once kicking bugs fall limp to the ground…

MOTORCYCLE FART : This kind of goes along with the tandem fart. When someone is riding on the back of your motorcycle and you fart, they can usually smell them if they’re especially potent.

MOUTH FART : Comes out the other end but you couldn’t tell by the smell. MOVIE

THEATER FART : You are sitting in a movie theater and you have to let one go, so you wait for an opening, such as a big explosion, to let it go. (I personally did this one during Star Wars during the Death Star explosion

THE NEVER ENDING FART : This is the fart that doesn’t end… Yes it goes on and on my friends… George S. started it, not knowing what it was And he’ll continue farting it, forever just because.. (repeat as many times as you can)

NONCHALANT FART : This fart is normally associated with the elderly. The fart is very audible yet the farter just continues with whatever activity or conversation he or she happened to be engaged in as if it had never happened. It makes you wonder if they actually realized they did it.

NOT NOW! (a.k.a ANAL CONTROL FART) : You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.

ONE CHEEK SNEAK FART : This fart happens when you put your weight on one butt cheek and lift the other up. This is totally silent but often have disastrous results about two minutes later -everyone faints in that room.

ON THE SPOT FART : You didn’t even know it was there, but suddenly ‘Brrmp’. OW OW OW

OW OW FART : OH, MAN!! Does this one BURN!!

PANTY FLUFF : I heard a saying the other day, “Women don’t fart, they ‘panty fluff’.”

THE PHISH FART : When this bad biscuit erupts it has a catch of the day scent. I got a big one!

PIGGYBACK FART : Only occurs in those situations where it would be a ‘personal disaster’ to fart (e.g. crowded room, business meeting). You are holding onto this bad boy for dear life when suddenly someone else drops a LOUD one. Before the noise of this one has finished you let rip a fast a possible so both farts sound as one. This is easy if you are near the other person, if not then start talking loudly about the amazing echos in the room.

POINT BLANK FART : A point blank fart is a prank done on a unsuspecting victim by pointing your anus toward the victim’s face. This is successfully accomplished when the victim is sleeping or watching tv. Likely victims are siblings, spouses, and in-laws.

POLITE FART : You feel the urge and excuse yourself to the other room where you politely let her rip.

POOTERS ANONYMOUS: A program to help people addicted to flatulence.

PREDATOR FART : This fart is a high-velocity number that smells like a bag of duck guts. It seems to actually seek out a victim after leaving it’s maker. Usually an innocent friend in the back seat of the car or a couple of seats away in a theatre. The predator fart will skip over others in the other and wrap itself around it’s victim with a vicious fury.

PRELUDE TO A POOPIE : You feel like you have got a large Beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

PRESENT (a.k.a ‘TIME I WASN’T HERE’ FART) : The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren’t in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you’re screwed.

PRORR-WOOORT FART : That’s the nice, long, modulated sound it makes… Best achieved with pants down!

PULL MY FINGER FART : You ask some one to pull your finger when you feel a big gassy fart come. After they pull your finger, you fart in their face!

PUMPKIN FART : A warm, dry, fart that smells like an old Jack-O-Lantern. An aroma pleasing to the creator, but one which will clear a large room.

REALLY GOOD FAKE FART : Someone make a noise that sounds like a fart and blames it on you or someone else.

THE SHAKING FART : The one you get during class and holding it in makes your body convulse.

SHOW OFF FART : A fart that you purposely give off to show what a loud smelly one you can make.

SHOWER FART : That unwanted fart that occurs right after you walk out of the shower feeling fresh and nice. These usually leave a warm sensation to be cherished.

SILENT BUT DEADLY (SBD) FART : The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.

SILENT….BUT EGG FART : The kind of fart you do when you’re with a crowd. It is silent, but mings like a rotten egg.

SILENT BUT VIOLENT FART : This type of fart is not heard, but will cause facial hair to disintegrate, nasal passages to blister from the burn, eyes to water, and nausea.

THE SMALL FART : It’s the kind of fart where you just hear a ‘beep’.

THE SPANISH CLASS FART : When you are sitting in Spanish and fart really loudly and say you were trying to trell your r.

SPHINCTAL NAPALM : Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Never mind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.

SQUEAKY FART : Sounds like ‘Wheeek’. Normally smells foul.

THE STAGED FART : This little number comes out is small bursts of the same length. It smells like a sack full of assholes.

STALKER FART : Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticised for poor manners.

THE STAY AWHILE FART : The one you let rip in bed a couple nights ago, that is still there and smells even worse.

STOLEN FART : Someone else lets it, but it’s so good that you claim it.

THE SYNCRONIOUS FART : More than one person farts in sync. Sounds neat sometimes.

TANDEM FART : Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker’s nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.

STEALTH FART : A stealth fart is similar to the point blank fart but uses the silent-but-deadly fart. Very effective when your bored at a party. Just when your ready to release your SBD, you would walk toward a group of guests and then release your payload and slowly walk away. Then the guests won’t know what hit them when your payload reaches equilibrium.

TENSION BREAKER FART : Usually during a test or some stressful meeting where everyone is concentrating, and someone in the room lets a fart that, rather than making people gag, makes everyone laugh. Then of course, if it was at school, people start imitating it.

TIMEX FART : Very rare fart, lasting at least 10 minutes -if not longer. A variation on the theme, the Accuse Fart is roughly the same but smells worse, and so you get the blame.

TIMID FART: Short, sweet, petite, not much odor, and not much air.

TOOT-UNCOMMON: This fart is one that happens when you are asleep and therefore not in control. Like the mummy of the famous Egyptian ruler, you lie still while it rips out. The sound may not awaken you, but the smell surely will, particularly after a night at the pub. Egyptian theme can be carried further if you trap your partner under the covers and cause him/her to share in the experience, much like the burial of an Egyptian queen in the same tomb.

TRIPLE FLUTTER BLAST: This is the fart that occurs after a hefty Chinese meal. To properly ‘perform’ it one leg must be elevated and resting on a convenient chair or stool. Happens in three short but powerful bursts.

TROUSER RIPPING SPECIAL: Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.

THE TWIST-OF-FATE DOG FART: The dog lets a fart so big that everyone blames it on you!

UNDERWATER FART: Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them. A few others have referred to these rare creatures, so proving their existence. Somehow ‘The dog did it’ just doesn’t cut the mustard.

UNKNOWN FART: The kind where you don’t know who did it -but it has a rotten smell.

VIBRATING FART: The person sitting next to you can feel it.

WALKING FART: The kind that makes a little sound every time you take a step.

WEDDING FART: Happens when the Pastor is pronouncing them husband and wife, egg and beefy combo, Loud and deadly, the bride and groom never actually leave.

WINDY FART: The sort of fart which goes ‘Whoosh’, and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.

WORRYING FART: The kind which seems to be a Fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.

whew ….. post from hell ……