You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong*

June 9th, 2009 • 15:06

You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong*

Yes, a boring sex ed. post ….. apologies ……

Tis the summer and we are all in heat, and this while being largely accepted as a good thing (who wouldn’t enjoy a roll in the hey once or twice a week with their loved one or “special friend” or “paid partner” or “friend who always gets you gifts for a good time” whoever he/she may be) is also a major cause of heart ache at your local casualty because it means that the ever diligent (yeah right) casualty officer will have to face a hoard of itchy hoo hoos and burning pee pees who’s numbers would make Globals debt look like spare change …. the poor bastard will be rolling in your STDs, you filthy horny mongrels ……… Imagine the poor man examining one of you and then eating a sandwich …. with his hands …..ugh ….. (he won’t be able to tell whether the smell was blue cheese or the remnants of your nether regions ……. )

Yes, I am talking about condoms and before everyone claims that they always use the damn things and know how to use them let me provide you with some numbers:

Less than 25% of our age group uses condoms consitantly, when asked most of us say it’s because “s/he’s clean”, or “I was drunk” or “I couldn’t remember” or the ever so intelligent “I don’t need one”. Good news is about 95% of us do use condoms every now and then…… we’re just not smart enough to turn it into a habit ….. Damn monkeys that we* are ……
The excuses given by the 18-30 year olds in the above study are garbage. Statistically speaking the only think that influences your likelihood of using condoms is what the boffins call ” safer sex negotiations” meaning … “Honey, I need you to wear a condom” ……. or in our case “7abeeby ’7an roo7 Boots” and apparently neither horneyness, alcohol, “the mood”, anger nor excitement have anything to do with it in the big scheme of things.
Your negotiation skills are directly related to the amount of sex education you’ve had as a kid .….. which tells us exactly why Lipton Chai Latte outsells Condoms in this country ……..

So the take home message is that we need to buy more condoms and spend more time learning to wear them (or making our partners wear them), besides if you think about it over 500 years of R’n'D can’t be wrong really …….

Condoms were first used in 1490 during the syphilis outbreak( ….. it has been 500 years and people still come into hospital with burning urine ……) and since then we’ve gone from condoms made from intestines, to sheep skin condoms (still in use for those of us with allergies), to latex ones (very popular) and the female condom (not quite as popular, I blame the fiddliness of the damn thing …. diaphragms are a far better option IMHO), to spray-ondoms and even custom fitted ones for those of us who might be a little too well endowed (or otherwise perhaps) , there was even an anti-rape female condom developed at one point (the damn thing was a tampon with needles on the inside …… that way you could ensnare your assailant in yer hoo hoo as it were ….. very morbid indeed).

And whenever safe sex has come up in conversation we always end up talking about failure rates ….. yes, the failure rates …… I’ll put it to you this way: Like the seat belt you’re better off with it than without it and here are some fun facts to prove the point:

In terms of preventing pregnancy condoms have a failure rate of 2 percent. That means for every hundred times you get laid and wear a condom you should expect expect to see two kids who look a little like you to show up at your doorstep at some point.
In terms of reducing HIV condoms have reduced the risk by approximately 85% over recent years, bringing it down to 0.9 per 100 people per year (basically if you were HIV positive you would have to sleep with 1000 people with condoms to get 9 of them infected per year …… )
Condoms also reduce the risks of genital herpes, genital warts, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and other diseases by varying rates as well (no less than 70% ….. I’m too lazy to look all of them up).

Lastly, yes, the and pollution and waste produced by condoms is significant and their manufacture does introduce various carcinogens into our bodies but the amounts are so small that they literally don’t count and the manufacturing process used to make condoms has about a tenth of the carbon foot print required to make that pink iPhone case you bought the other day ……

Oh and YES, YOU SHOULD WEAR CONDOMS DURING ORAL SEX YOU FUCKING TURNIPS …….. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU GET HERPES FROM COLD SOARS AND COLD SOARS FROM HERPES ……… THEY’RE THE SAME THING YOU GIMPS …….

*Alternative titles that would have worked just as well:

Cover your stump before you hump
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
Don’t be silly, protect your willy
When in doubt, shroud your spout
Don’t be a loner, cover your boner
If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it
If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick
If you go into heat, package your meat
While you’re undressing venus, dress up your penis
When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
Especially in December, gift wrap your member
Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool
The right selection will protect your erection
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
A crank with armor will never harm her
No glove, no love!