Summer of Love, Stiffies and Waterlillies ….

Tis the summer and we are all in heat, this while providing endless hours of entertainment for you and other/better/far more attractive half who-ever he or she may be, will provide most health care workers with an incessant headache and very little sleep. The problems sex brings just about start at STDs (which bar HIV and hepatitis, are actually quite easy to treat) and end with a myriad of fractures (yes, penile fractures do exist, it’s the shaft that breaks but there’s no actual bone involved), impacted foreign bodies and tangled limbs which often result in a rather awkward visit to your favorite local casualty.

It’s strange how clumsy people can be when they try to do things themselves. I can hardly keep track of the number of 16 year olds who come in to have their hymens checked, their testicles examined (they tend to get them twisted, which cuts of their blood supply and causes incredible agony) or complaining from rug burns, keloids (yes, keloids), scars and bruises on their stiffies and water lillies, all because they can’t get a hold of them selves (literally).

Getting some one to lend a hand or an orifice doesn’t help either; first timers tend to end up with teeth marks (yes, they do leave a scar) and hickeys (both of which aren’t exactly the kind of things you’d want to peer at in the shower).

And then there are the pioneers(=retards who have a bagpipe fetish) ……

How many professionals (=porn stars) have you seen blowing air into some-one vagina when they’re going down on them?

Have you ever wondered why they never do that?

It’s because ever since the 1930′s people have known that if you blow air up some-ones hoo hoo it has to go somewhere, usually the brain, abdomen or lungs leading to a stroke, pulmonary embolism (clot in the lung) or severe abdominal pain.

Then there’s recto-anal stimulation. I’ve come to expect everything from brooms, to cucumbers, to deodorants and even beads to come marching up to casualty sandwiched between 2 pale bum cheeks. These while presumed safe when the person “wasn’t really thinking” may cause rectal tearing, anal fissuring and of-course excruciating pain both on the way in and out. The trick in these cases (as with most things) is to take it slow, start small and know exactly what you are doing.

The excuses people usually give are either I was asleep when it happened, I fell on it by mistake or that they were trying to stick their hemorrhoids back in (yes; they were trying to stick their hemorrhoids back in….). The patients usually come with an accomplice who tries to remain silent and may carry a guilty look followed by sheer horror once the x-rays/ CTs are done and a subsequent sigh of relief once the object is recovered/delivered (and yes you do get to keep it; the mystic ass box from TV doesn’t really exist; if it did it would be more like a giant U-haul than a box)*

Well at least people still haven’t heard of rectal rodents yet …. that’ll probably lead to a rabies epidemic all across the damn country.

So the next time you and your partner decide to do the nasty make sure you that you have as much fun as you can and actually know what your doing (it’s what the internet was made for people !)

* well maybe not a u-haul but it would definitely be a big ass box….