Flirting ….. the New Six Pack …..
I’m not saying that all women are the same or trying to make it sound like people are superficial, it’s all supposed to be tongue in cheek so enjoy.
Now before all of you go out and cancel your subscriptions to platinum and decide to double that second portion of pancakes at early bird, please bear in mind that the title is almost a complete lie. For the most part (apparently) women tend to be inherently attracted to a more or less mixed bag of people so in a technical sense that six pack is worth it depending on what/who you’re aiming for. However increasingly it has been recognised that an overall muscular build is not as ….. significant (not exactly the term I’m looking for but what the hey) as other things are.
It’s interesting how dynamic our tastes as humans are, they are influenced by everything from music videos to advertising, to the weather even and clothing. And in the case of the fairer sex it also seems to be influenced by that spontaneous bleed they all seem to have once a month or so.
For the most part women tend to go for men who are taller (relative to the general population), with more husky voices, good rhythm (an ability to dance without looking like you ass is one fire or are trying to get pepper spray out of your eyes), and are generally speaking at or above average height. This is thought to be more of a subconscious thing and is largely attributed to genetic selection rather than an actual active preference for a particular type of male.
Interestingly, muscular build and masculine faces (big jaw, a “roman” nose or a widows peak) don’t tend to play that much of a role in our mating process, i.e. being built like Sly in rocky 3 won’t really give you an edge if your bald, short and with a voice that’s akin to the war cry of a pygmy in heat.
Flirting on the other hand does, and unlike that six pack and pecks the size of salad plates at Applebees, flirting doesn’t really require all that much work or the use of cow testosterone and growth hormone, all it requires is well …… being a cheeky bastard and perhaps one or two drinks to bring up the Casanova in you and help you find one good thing in your perspective mate.
Infact flirting in many recent studies has been found to be far more important than all the above put together especially when women are ovulating (half way between that period and the one due in 2 weeks time). Flirting also seems to be dynamic and dependant on how masculine your face looks; in other words the less chiseled that jaw of yours is the more likely your are to score and the more muscular you are the less likely that flirting will actually increase your chances. As with most things human the reason why this seems to be the case is largely still a mystery but it’s thought that at some subconscious level masculinity and muscular build is associated with less commitment and an increased likely hood that the fucker has one two or three people on the side.
Having said that flirting, unlike built bodies, long hair, a husky voice or a 12,000 dollar watch is very hard to quantify and very variable. It’s actually a very complex type of behaviour and can vary from just looking at a person, to the way you talk to the way they talk to other people in the room so it’s very hard to objectively score someone in terms of flirting. The way most studies do it is akin to the selection process for star academy and is probably just as useful.
So the take home message this week is that if you have a six pack good on you, learn how to dance without looking like a pollock and maybe try to come up with something better than “halla wallah” or “i3yoonich naar” and for the humans among us it may be a good idea to try and work on the same ……..
Ink.
Happy Eid …….
oh and Yes, I am a fan …….
You’ve gotta love tattoos whether it’s the “fake” ones that come with bubble gum packs that you lick and stick, hennah tattoos or the more traditional type, tattoos have often been seen as a fashion statement or a form of self expression. Personally I’ve always been a fan of them for various resons, namely the fact that that they just look cool no matter how you slice it.
They’ve actually been around since the 5th centruy BC and were found on human popsicles that date back to that era, and have been used in darker times to identify prisoners of war and by doctors (well …. witch doctors) for everything from fertility to acupuncture) and is still used to mark out areas for radiotherapy and to fashion nipples in breast reconstruction.
By and large tattoos have had a bad name …. for the most part people tend to associate them the unsaviory which is rather unfortunate and pretty darn wrong as a couple of plastic surgeons from poland came to find out in their european study.
Dr Antoszewski and his team conducted a suvey within their community asking why people got tattooed, when they got tattooed and whether they have more than one and the results are quiet interesting. For one thing most men get tattoos rather than piercing first where as (for obvious reasons ….. i.e. their mother wanted cute pictures of them) most women tended toget pierced first and for the most part people tended to get on average 3 tattoos over their life time. Also, most people were motivated by trying to express a certain aspect of their identity rather than pee pressure (a close second) where as most people got pierced ’cause of peer pressure. They also found that whether it was tattoos or pieced hoo hoo’s social background and drug taking/risk taking behaviour were not as closely linked as other surveys had shown, meaning that the image of a coke snorting, herion mainlining, toothless disease vagrant is dieing down in tattoo culture. Granted few rocket scientist get them but since when did rocket scientists have a sense of style or identity; they;re usually the annoying kid in class who kept breaking the curve and had his mother check his homework.
Another survey conducted by a dermatolgist, Dr Armstrong hailing from Texas Tech asked people why they wanted their tattoos off. For the most part people tended to get rid of tattoos because they’ve experienced a major shift in their personality such as finding God, a change of lifestyle or risk of social stigma given their current jobs, they also found that women tended to choose to keep their tattoos for them selves and pick areas that are hidden by clothing while men tended to want to chow them off picking their arms and for arms as the site of choice and that people tended to get rid of their tattoos about 20 years after they get them done.
And yes, unfortunately like most surgical procedures tattoos and piercings tend to harbor a risk of HIV, heptitis C and various other infections of the skin and do require care after the procedure to prevent things like keloids and scarring but I’m quick to point out that those risks are fairly minimal thanks to regulation of the industry in most countires and the introduction or sterile tattoo equipment.
It’s very hard not to think that tattoos are more so associated with our over all need for self expression that we’ve come to enjoy these days, just take a look at ur social networking sites, twitter and blogs, we’ve become people who like to scream it loud and proud and tattoos are just one more medium. Another thing that seems evident from these studies is that alot of people tend to regret tattoos that aren’t associated with personal meanings, in other words you wont regret a tattoo that means something to you (well you’re less likely to hate them in 10 years time)
I am the Bird of Hermes
Random, unoriginal but still worth reading ……. stay tuned for your typical posts soon ……..
In the sea without lees
Standeth the bird of Hermes
Eating his wings variable
And maketh himself yet full stable
When all his feathers be from him gone
He standeth still here as a stone
Here is now both white and red
And all so the stone to quicken the dead
All and some without fable
Both hard and soft and malleable
Understand now well and right
And thank you God of this sight
The bird of Hermes is my name eating my wings to make me tame.
-The Riply Scrolls 1670′s
Gadgets for the Fat, Dumb and Desperate …….
We’ve now (hopefully) reached the peak of the summer and have been fortunate enough to have managed to enjoy all that summer has to offer. We’ve also probably began to understand that our free form k-town flab; no matter how well we try to hide it, is not exactly something that will help you get your jet ski-ing, rock and rolling, hot and nasty spanking, motorbiking jollies off and what with Ramadan coming we probably feel like it’s a good idea to start trying to loose that spare tire that has now become synonymous with being middle-eastern.
Now, heaven forbid any of us tries to skip that breakfast at Caspers or those monstrosities that we label as coffee even though we know it’s just melted icecream, and lets not forget how healthy 6 pancakes at Earlybird can be before we got to bed the night after the day before at the chalet.
So having established the fact that we CAN’T stop eating for various reasons, including the fact that our economy would be in ruin, I suppose the next best thing is to try “alternative” methods including but not limited to:
The Diet Patch:
Marketed since 2003 Advanced Patch Tech. (a subsidiary of Buckhead inc.) has been marketing a rather curious patch that is guaranteed to help you shed pounds. Trouble is that it really, really, really doesn’t. Infact you’re more likely to loose the weight if you glue a mars bar wrapper to your ass than if you wear one of their Rather useless patches. Thankfully the Federal Trade Commission has since ruled that the god-damned patch be discontinued and that Buckhead shells out for their scam. This how ever will never work in Kuwait and those damn patches will become the new Crocs …… expect to see them on the arms of half the goddamn country soon with the other half being placed on a waiting list for them ……
Diet Glasses:
Though not quite as stylish as RayBans these blue-green ripp-offs from Japan claim to make everything seem less appetising by adding an overlying hue of green to it …… pity we all go to johnny rockets ’cause they’re burgers taste good and smell good rather than look appetizing, same applies for Mr Baker.
If anyone is interested they’re about 19 dollars from their Japanese supplier who have been kind enough to supply a lovely graph that you can use for credibility purposes when you place your add to sell them on Facebook.
Not the smartest thing the Japanese have come up with me thinks ……
The Electronic Diet Fork:
Patent filed in 1993, the diet forks concept is simple. Red means don’t eat, green means eat. Repeat this two step method until u get bored and either stop eating or ignore the fork and use your hands.
One point that comes to mind is how likely we are to benefit from said device, especially since we seem to ignore traffic lights in this country …….
So there you have it three of the dumbest devices which we’ll no doubt end up trying at some point in our lives and end up regretting ordering through alwaseet.
Stay tuned next time for a diet post ……..
Condoms ….. Plastic Bullet of Doom.
As you may have gathered, I am a firm believer in the condom. As far as I’m concerned it is the bestest invention ever. Beats TV, the internet and even fermentation (where would we be without cheese and liban ……and yes even the Jesus juice too). However, recent studies seemed to have found a rather interesting/worrying side effect to safe sex.
It seems that in a fair percentage of cases penile vaginal intercourse without a condom can be a good thing as a recent article published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour suggests. Apparently consistent condom use is linked to such dangers as psycholigical immaturity (we don’t develop the right tools to deal with emotions) and lack of ability to deal with stress. Further more some other articles advocate penile-vaginal sex as a method to control blood pressure, heart rate and over all health, (all of these benefits apparently do not apply when there’s a piece of plastic in the way.
These rather bold statements on the medical marvel and much negated cure all that is unprotected vaginal sex have lead me to try and find out why that piece of plastic keeps fucking things up. One reason could be that the fumbling pisses both partners off and leads to elevated blood pressure, another could be the fact the pain related to the guy thinking he has to stick his ding dong in fast and furious till the girl has rug burns …… but by far the most interesting reasons I’ve found both have to do with seminal fluid-spunk.
The first is the apparent antidepressant properties of sperm (why I spent my money on weed in college is beyond me …….strike that ….. I don’t swing both ways ….. oh well ) and the other is that unprotected vaginal sex apparently helps you fight off HIV by boosting certain allo-immune factors (I failed immunology so you’ll have to forgive me if I’ve gotten this wrong).
Now I’m one of those people who thinks that everything and anything in medical literature should be published. We have loads of quack doctors running around as it stands so matters can’t get that much worse and the state the FDA is in at the moment drug companies can be feeding you cyanide tablets for shits and giggles and it’d be legal. However even with a publishing track record like mine (drivel of the highest order …..especially during the college years …. I cringe at how vain I was to think that I could change the world with just one typo-laden, ethically biased article) you’d have to be insane not to see that there is some bias in some of these papers. (all links are click-able and I encourage you to read the individual papers if you have the time).
For one thing none papers on semen analysis were conducted using monogamous couple only and did not offer a baseline or compared polygamous/polyamorous relationships, gay relationships or relationships involving sporadic condom use. Secondly the semen is the new prozac article doesn’t even tell you which compounds in semen act as antidepressents, so it’s the scientific equivalent of if you breath air between the ages of 12 and 18 you will grow tall very quickly.Plus there’s another point to be made, the semen explains why women benefit from unprotected sex but does not explain why men do …….
And as for the articles with the running commentry on how using a condom with make you go crazy, get depressed and lord knows what else ….. you have to bear in mind that most of these articles were written or co-written by the same person – Stuart Brody. PhD. Now he may have a point (I’ll confess I haven’t read everything he’s written and lord knows the guy can churn them out faster than a catholic family pops out babies) somewhere but I sincerely doubt that his rather erm …. rather controversially article “Lack of evidence for transmission of human immunodeficiency virus through vaginal intercourse.” would aid his credibility.
We all love being mavericks and expecially when it come to sex …… after all …. some would argue that everything we do revolves around our evolutionary impertive to “boom boom pow” as it were. However conducting a survey and saying that the reason why people should not think that vaginal intercourse is strongly linked to HIV is because of the” intellectual limitations of some respondents resulted in seropositive subjects failing to report anal intercourse or iv activity. Such failure often resulted in attributing HIV spread to vaginal intercourse.” Meaning that he wasn’t sure if the people he surveyed were fucked up the arse, shot up herione or bought condoms before they were involved in the study and there for can’t prove that vaginal sex actually lead to them getting HIV. Kind of like saying because people tend to smoke, drive cars and use mobile phones you can’t prove that people die in a car crash, they could have died because of smoking.
So I suppose the point behind this post is not to believe everything you read, most of the stuff we’ll read over the next couple of years of our lives will be manipulated, processed and doctored to suite people needs; sure I could have talked about any number of other studies and cure alls but this seemed the most interesting for numerous reasons.
Another interesting thing to look out for is when/how Brody’s work will be interpreted and used by the religious right …….. food for thought I say ……
Yes, here’s his email stuartbrody@hotmail.com. Have fun …….
Rather Wretched Things ………
Hiccups.
On of the oldest annoyances in the world (right after your mother in-law and the sibling that should have been shot at birth). Hiccups aren’t all that much of a mystery really. They’re just a reflex that we never use. Think of them as an knee jerk reflex (the thing that happens when the doctor hits your knee with a mallet) that happens with your respiratory muscles (diahpragm) and throat (well a fair chunk of it anyway) when one of two nerves in the area are stimulated (the Phernic nerve or the Vagus nerve, which supplies a whole slew of areas from your mouth to your asshole literally. It’s the only structure that goes through your heart, stomach brain and rectum. Not in that order)
Interestingly hiccups work in the exact same way as amphibian breathing (the way that frogs breath) which has lead many experts in the field to assume that it’s just a residual impulse from years of evolution which like the appendix and tail bone serves no real purpose other than to support Darwinians all over the world.
Knee Jerk Reflex for those of you who’ve never been to a real doctor.
Video also demonstrates how to provide evidence for child custody suites …. that kid is staying with his mom.
And while many of you seem to line up at your local poly clinic claiming that your 5 hours of hiccups are abnormal, most cases can’t even compare to poor old Charles Osborne who had to bear with it for over 65 years.
Treatment of simple hiccups is non existent. All you have to do is stimulate those nerves into stopping and the best way is to shock them into rebooting. For example, stand on your head, drink ice cold water, or if you’re a sadist you Can try searing hot water, eat some icecream and forget about it or spray vinegar into your nose.
But long standing (1 week) hiccups are a little more challenging. For one thing they usually point to something a little more sinister such as kidney failure (because salts such as sodium and potassium build up in your blood and that makes the nerves more sensitive). Note I said one week not two fucking minutes. If anybody shows up at a hospital claiming kidney failure after an hour of hiccups s/he’ll be giving informed consent to me taking one of his kidneys to sell on the black market. If it’s under a week it’s easy to treat.
Another group of people who tend to suffer from hiccups are people on chemotherapy (for obvious reasons).Three in ten people on chemo-therapy will suffer 2 weeks of hiccups straight. For them the only option is to sedate them and try to give drugs that will slow down nerve impulse. Another option (yet to be approved by the FDA is an implantable nerve stimulator that acts like a switchboard bypassing the hiccup reflex).
And ofcourse as with all things medical if all else fails do something unexpected, shocking and stimulating. With this in mind a rather smart (well in a House MD* kind of way I suppose) daring and hopefully gentle and small handed colleague from the Department of Internal Medicine, Bnai Zion Medical Center in Haifa, Israel. Decided to stick a finger up a poor 60 year old mans backside and massage him into stopping. Lets hope that Dr Odeh was gentle with the poor man ……. then again the guy may have faked the hiccups just to get some action ……… 60 year olds make the most needy of all of us ……..
*Rest assured, there is a House MD bashing coming …. right after Dr. Foz’s and the penis fart post ……..
oh and DO NOT TRY THE VINGEGAR THING OR THE FINGER UP THE BACKSIDE! ONLY TRAINED PROFESSIONALS CAN PULL THAT SHIT OFF.
The Death & Return of Medical Slang
It’s been over a year since we last saw some medical slang. Though I wouldn’t call it a real post it’s the best I can do for the time being….. apologies
PAFO: Pissed (Drunk) and fell over.
Organ recital: The history from a hypochondriac. “Back ache, headache from time to time, can’t see right in the morning and a feel things moving in my belly oh and I think my farts are smellier than most. Is that cancer?”
FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond Any Recognition. (usually refers to a bad car accident, fight, mugging or attack of some sort)
Pumpkin Positive: Refers to a dumb patient (pumkins are hollow on the inside like the gimps head)
Digging for Worms: Taking out Varicose Viens
PRATFO “Praat fow”: Patient Reassured, Told to Fuck Off
AMYOYO Syndrome: Alright Motherfucker You On Your Own. Patient who keeps screaming at a doctor/nurse all the time, disgruntled, or just a plain asshole.
PBTB’s “Pee Bee Tee Bee’s”: Pine Box To Bedside…… we all know what that means.
SIG / SIB: Stroppy Ignorant Girl or Bitch (usually a 20 something patient dressed to the nines and waiting in casualty just to speak to a doctor …. literally just to talk about how her head hurts, nobody loves her and the world is ending then complaining why the doctor turfed her for the guy with a heart attack.
T.T. Ratio: Tooth to Tattoo ratio (nothing against tattoo’s …. just their presence with an absence of teeth). A direct correlation with the IQ of a person
Trigger Happy Brother: Doctor (or nurse) that gives a shot for everything.
TTOAST: Take them out and shoot them. Usually refers to patients who annoy, but is increasingly being used on collegues.
Bungee Jumper: Patient who pulls on his lines and cathers trying to take them out.
VAC: Vultures are circling. Refers to somebody who’s not far off from death.
VOMIT: Victim Of Medical Imaging Techniques. A person who falsely diagnosed cancer because their X-ray/MRI/CAT scan was read by a fucking idiot.
UFO: Unidentified Frozen Object: Unknown patient left in the morgue for a while OR patient found out in the cold, dead on arrival.
Viaggravation: Describes the feeling you get when a patient keeps nagging you for viagra. This term also applys to friends and family who think that you run an underground sex shop.
WOFTAM “wooftaam”: Waste of fucking time and money. Patient who keeps coming in wasting you time, taking maeds from the pharmacy only to never use them.
Weed Puller: Obstetrician (the person who help you or you’re “baby momma” pop that little shit out)
SYB: Save Your Breath. Refers to patients who will never take your advice.
SPAK: Status Post Ass Kicking. Refers to injuries sustained during a brawl.
DIIK “dyke”: Darned if I know. Refers to a patients who’s diagnosis is still unknown.
COPS: Chronic Old Persons Disease. Combination of diabetes hypertension etc ….
And Yes, I agree it was no where near as good as the older ones.
Gaydar.
Yes ….. another sex-ed post ……. not as raunchy as most would like but there you go ……
We’ve all watched Will and Grace, The L-word and Queer as Folk and have borne witness to that magical 6th sense known as the Gaydar and although many of you might think it was just an urban myth or something as simple as seeing if the guy gets a manicure or the girl chooses to let moustache run rampant …… think again …..
The gaydar is probably best defined as the ability to pic out or discern the gender of a person with a relatively high accuracy. It’s been studied by psychiatrists (finally made themselves useful), gender studies experts and even neurologists and the results are quite interesting. For one thing thanks to the work of Ambady, Hallahan and Conner (Currently tenuring at Tufts I believe) we can now say hand on heart that if you showed a one second clip or even a photo of a person to a group of gay and straight men and women, gay men are by far the most likely to guess the gender correctly while straight men wouldn’t know a gay man if he bought him a beer and gave him a quick rub down ……
Which means that the so-called gaydar is actually one of those things that you need to learn, practice and hone. Unlike sexual orientation (which is one of those things you are born with); you actually need to work at it and learn it and the reason why gay men are better at it than say, gay women or the straight population is because gay men need it to “survive”. Thanks to societal pressures and the fact that it is/was largely considered taboo gay men have had to get really good at it to prevent a beat down, loss of their jobs etc …..
Having said that various panels, questionnaires and studies have been conducted to analyze exactly how the thing works and to this day they cant say that it depends on hair, behaviour, skin color, appearance or anything else. But they can say the it’s a type of intuition or impulse which means that it relies on a preconceived idea and is therefor hotwired over time.
So it’s not something that requires active thinking but is rather something that we do subconsciously by taking in the person as a whole. Kind of like the type of thing you’d do when picking out a friend on your first day of school. You talk to them but you don’t know why you do it exactly.
The problem with this type of hotwiring is that it’s labile and isn’t 100% efficient … it’s also easily lost if not used enough (which explains why straight men are crap at it). It largely depends on the following:
- experience: whether you’ve actually seen or are exposed to people of varying sexual orientation, and if you, yourself are comfortable with yours.
- mood state
- Stereotypes you may have with regards to clothing, a lisp or say pink hair.
- Predispositions: do you want the ride that fine ass? or hoo hoo?
So when all is said and done it’s kind of one of these things that does exist, but you have to work on ….. alot. You also have to clear your head for it to work right and you pretty much have to go out there and let that freak flag fly!
But there is an important question that none of the studies mentioned above tries to address and that point is probably the most important and interesting of all; as homosexuality becomes more socially acceptable will the need to hone this skill dwindle? Will that sixth sense shrink like a residual organ and be left a useless remnant of it’s formal self?
Could a Liberal Society kill the gaydar?
Only time will tell ……
The Last Chapter in the Book
A while ago I was asked by a friend what it feels like to die and if people suffer. At the time I didn’t know the answer. One month on and I’m still no closer to it. Hopefully this provides some closure for people who have lost friends and loved ones recently…… the heat is a killer ……
By the time your average medical student is in his/her final year they usually know how to dodge every bullet and answer every question you throw at them. The fuckers go through paper faster than termites …..
But there is (and will always be) one question which they can’t answer, not for lack of trying but for lack of research. Most (all) doctors don’t know what it feels like for a patient when s/he dies and can’t tell you if they felt pain during death, as frustrating as that sounds not only has modern science failed us at curing AIDS, cancer and obesity; they’ve also forgotten to do their homework on the last chapter of the book.
Having spent the last month trying to find articles of any merit on the subject I’ve come to this conclusion:
WE KNOW FUCKALL ABOUT DEATH
We do however know alot about near death experiences, cases where somebody was brought back to life by CPR, or (if you prefer) a touch of the divine. Unfortunately because of the how closely death is linked to religion many of these cases have been interpreted from a more theological standpoint making them angel laden, filled with ether,pomp and circumstance and very hard to believe. But there is one study I found very helpful by Limmel and his team and published in the Lancet (Forbes Magazine for medics). The study interviewed 344 patients who were (and I cringe as I use this term) brought back (ugh …. fuckers think they’re gods ….all they did was get daddy pay the school fees on time) and found that a good one in five (well 18%) had experienced one of the following if not more:
- The notice of a very unpleasant sound or noise.
- A sense/awareness of being dead.
- A sense of peace, well-being and painlessness. Positive emotions. A feeling of being removed from the world.
- An out-of-body experience. A perception of one’s body from an outside position. Sometimes observing doctors and nurses performing medical resuscitation efforts.
- A “tunnel experience”. A sense of moving up, or through, a passageway or staircase.
- A rapid movement toward and/or sudden immersion in a powerful light. Communication with the light.
- An intense feeling of unconditional love.
And as they came back they saw being of light which upon further focusing turned out to be nurses doing all the work while the doctors signed the death certificate.*
Now, most people would regard that as a pretty fair description of going to heaven. You know you’re dying, people are screaming all around you everything goes dark then goes white again and you feel oh so happy for once in your life now that you’re rid of that pesky mutt of a boss and that stupid tea boy who keep putting too much sugar in your coffee ………
But the scientific hypothesis (yet to be proved but far more convincing that angels bathed in light) proposed by many “experts” in the field seems to point to the fact that the process occurs as a result of the progressive shut down of different centers in the brain and for those of you who really want to know the details here they are (taken from a book by Ivan and Melrose 1986):
- The triggering mechanism is decreased blood oxygen availability. The feeling of peace and tranquillity is an early manifestation of decreased nerve activity (the way tranquillisers work, this is theacceptance of death part).
- As the chemical changes increase in quantity there is an effect in the limbic system of the brain (the part activated during arousal and motivated behaviour) such that there is a sense of euphoria and body-separation.
- With the progressive changes, other elements of the brain become involved and when the visual cortex is affected ‘blacking out’ occurs (entering the darkness).
- Further changes cause hyperactivity of the same nerve cells and visual hallucinations become intensified (seeing the light).
- In the final stage, just before the part of the brain responsible for consciousness is abolished, a hallucination occurs (entering the light).
This by and large makes sense (well at least it does for me and should to most neuro-physiologists), so in theory at least (coupled with the first hand experience of about 80/344 people) we can all assume that for the most part the way we die (slit wrists, fall from the roof, car crash, drug over dose, heart attack) doesn’t really affect us in our last moments, so in other words we can all rest assured that we’ll be getting that last moment of bliss ….. that millionaires death …. no better or worse than saying good night to your loved ones, going to bed and not waking up in the morning ……
And for those of you who (like me) have found the evidence a wee bit too shoddy there is light at the end of the tunnel, a group at the University of Southampton of have taken on the task of interviewing over 1500 people and assessing them clinically (brain scans, blood work up, psych evaluation) at the time directly after they’ve been “brought back” and after a 6 month follow-up. They’ll be taking into account everything from the persons religious views to their cholesterol level and are hoping to prove/disprove what we now assume is what that last chapter feels like ……..
* No, I wasn’t being serious …..
On Peeping Toms and Single White Females.
You’ve gotta love Facebook, not only has it helped us get in touch with friends we’ve missed over the years, given us a chance to kill countless hours while on call (or in some/most cases waiting for the work day to end) and assured us that we are “the 3rd most likely to succeed as voted for by our friends” but it has also given Peeping Toms a veritable buffet to pick from. Personally I’d be flattered if someone were to follow me around obsessively, if only they could do it without wanting to cook my naughty bits and eat them ……
Now, to be categorized as a stalking victim a person has to report at least two different intrusive behaviors, which had to last for at least two weeks and also provoke fear, (so ladies, unfortunately you have to put up with that drooling mess at your local Starbucks for at least another two weeks (or was that four). This is a legal definition, not a medical one. From a psychiatric standpoint 5 patterns of behaviour have been identified:
- Rejected stalkers who pursue their victims in order to reverse, correct, or avenge a rejection (e.g. divorce, separation, termination).(We see these almost every Ramadan People)
- Resentful stalkers who pursue a vendetta because of a sense of grievance against the victims – motivated mainly by the desire to frighten and distress the victim.(Basically wife with cheating husband and husband with cheating wife get a divorce …. then things get wierd)
- Intimacy seekers who seek to establish an intimate, loving relationship with their victim. To them, the victim is a long-sought-after soul mate, and they were ‘meant’ to be together. (minjibir feech ….. 7abaitich …. waits for you near your house, steals your panties etc)
- Incompetent suitors who, despite poor social or courting skills, have a fixation, or in some cases a sense of entitlement to an intimate relationship with those who have attracted their amorous interest. Their victims are most often already in a dating relationship with someone else.( In all fairness, the bastards should man up and grow some balls)
- Predatory stalkers who spy on the victim in order to prepare and plan an attack – usually sexual – on the victim. (The potential rapist)
Interestingly most of us will admit to think about some of the above (we’ve all had that office crush, wanted to know more about a certain person or tried to talk to a ridiculously attractive person of the opposite sex and failed miserably at it) but the distinction between our morbid fascinations and those of a stalker is that we don’t act upon them and we realise that it’d be weird to fish through office trash looking for used tampons and cigarette butts.
Another thing that baffles me about stalking is the demographic which seems to attract stalkers. These poor people aren’t to blame, the fact of the matter is that their the people who should keep an eye out. The vast majority (70-90 % depending on what you read) of victims are women followed by homosexual men. Most are pretty well of (economically) and usually have a job that involves being in contact with the public (bank tellers, psychiatrists, doctors, receptionists, Barber and ofcourse rockstars) and (adding insult to injury) many victims have had a history of childhood sexual abuse.
Unsurprisingly many stalkers are often triggered by a previous relationship that they may have had with the victim, the nature of the relationship and how it ended have very little relevance.
Oh and don’t even think that the fact the you’re young, well dressed or are sexy (aren’t we so full of our selves, pouting and pausing for profile pics) , have tight buns, are “well ripped” and “shredded” or (…….. ok I’m getting carried away here …..apologies) has anything to do with it. For the most part age (cases have been reported where the victims were between the ages of 2 and 82), attractiveness and clothing (or lack there of) are just about as relevant to the whole relationship (yes, it is classed as a relationship by psychiatrists …. unfortunately) as the weather on the day s/he decides to steal your undies. (The fact that you may have had children with the stalker however, does tend to make it more likely that s/he chances after you)
Your typical stalker and peeping tom is usually male (but maybe female in about 30% of cases) between 16-40 (though juvenile stalking is now on the rise ….. crazy little fuckers), living alone, no social skills, poorly dressed with a previous criminal record and in 51% of cases some sort of mental disorder (schizophrenia, bipolar etc). …….. now if that doesn’t spell out the p-e-r-f-e-c-t c-a-t-c-h then I don’t know what does …… why you people fraternize with the crazy fuckers and confirm them on facebook is beyond me …….
Now, alot of you may feel that a little bit of stalking isn’t a problem, that having that girl or boy who can’t wait to see you every morning or who keeps writing comments on your FB wall is a good thing ….. the fact of the matter is that it isn’t. In most cases you’ll be lucky if it ends at him/her being pissed off at you and chastising you at work but in some cases (42,% thats 2 in 5 cases people …… ) stalking leads to violence and harassment …… which I’m assuming most of you never counted on ……
In the vast majority of cases the harassment may begin as an unwanted phonecall or a bunch of gifts every couple of days and in many cases escalates to being violent and in the vast majority of cases sexual.
So the next time one of you decides that guy you’re looking at on facebook seems pretty ok, or that you can’t stop thinking about that girl you saw the other day be very careful ….. you might be biting off more than you can chew ….. and you never know when you might be looking through someones dumpster for a lock of their hair ……. you sick, sick people …….
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