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Even the Birds and the Bees do it.

Sorry if this article seems a little too much. It was very hard to write simply because I’m straight and have very rarely had the privilege of writing about the gay community. Not that they ever need defending …..


“It’s a real disease, they should all be burned that way there’ll be no gays. Think about it, you get rid of the problem all at once”

When I heard that I decided I hated all homophobes, they’re a bunch of people who are either ignorant or just plain old idiots. I heard that from a friend not two weeks after he became a doctor, I was still a student. I also found out that a fair chunk of doctors don’t really try to understand people and would rather stick to learning things like the rate, rhythm and character of a pulse or how to describe a funny looking rash.

The statement not only showed a deep lack of empathy for his fellow brethren, its also shows a complete lack of understanding of our fundamental behaviour as species. For one thing it isn’t a disease nor is it a symptom of one. Homosexuality has been part of our innate behaviour as mammals since the dawn of time; there are infact over 1500 species that have displayed and documented homosexual behavior. Here’s a list stolen from wikipedia Show ▼

And despite the best efforts of many “doctors” and “psychologists” it’s not exactly something that needs fixing or infact should be fixed. They’ve tried everything from aversion therapy (which failed on both penguins and humans), to medication, to electro shock therapy and even religious killings and floggings with practically no success (perhaps they keep failing because it’s a part of human nature?)

I’ve always regarded sexual orientation as being akin to left or right handedness. There are people who are left handed, people who are right handed and people who are ambidextrous and enjoy both worlds and then there are people who are somehwhere in the middle and can do somethings with the left and somethings with the right. But I’ve increasingly begun to see that it’s far more than that. Most of us are now in our mid to late twenties (a couple are probably hitting their 70′s and are reading this blog hoping that it’ll be a dummies guide to euthenasia and some of you are probably 8 or 9 year olds who are here for the toilet humor) and have at some point longed for or have experienced an connection with a person of the opposite sex. We probably treasure memmories of that time and tend to look back on it very often. Imagine if you could only experience that with someone of your own sex and try and understand the feelings of disgust and disdain you’d face from everyone around you including pillars of your community; that’s what gay people have to go through in our society today ….. and that’s why I for one can say I admire them for their strength and fortitude when they do “come out” and try to function in a society that loaths them and wants to send them all to hell for no real reason.

And when I say no real reason I do mean that. I have yet to see a single point against homosexuality that I couldn’t argue against. The most common and generic is that they tend to have a higher incedences of STDs within their community ….. fucking garbage , the strictly lesbian population has the lowest incdence of HIV when compared with heterosexual and other homosexual groups according to the NAM (National AIDS Manual) and although the homosexual male population was at some point the group with the highest prevalence of HIV the number is now going down drastically over the past 10 years, where as the numbers for normal folk seem to have been on the sharp rise since 2003. Another arguement that I keep hearing is that it goes against God and nature …. please click the show button a couple of lines up, read the whole thing and then explain how this goes against nature when it has populated natural history since the dawn of time.

Another good one is that it’s” a disease that keeps spreading “…… I always answer that one by asking for numbers ….. which most people can’t give me. I then rattle of my own set of numbers comparing a kinsey series from the 1940′s and 50′s with a modern survey of similar scope conducted by a whole gaggle of people all agree that the number of people who have had some homosexual tendencies varies between 25-33% andthe number who are openly and strictly homosexual is around about 5%. (well more like 4-10%) which means that the numbers haven’t really changed drastically over the past 60 years and are probably not likely to change either. The Kinsey numbers are also significant because they mean that at least a third of your friends and family have at one point thought of batting for the other team as it were (just have a look around your dewaniya the next time you’re there)

Besides think of how much easier dating would be i Kuwait if you were gay, you could come and go as you pleased. Go on dinner dates, kiss in public and live together and no one would bat an eye lid. I’ve often thought about it but alas the hoo hoo has me wrapped up in its mystical spell ……. having to work under cloak and dagger and keep sneaking in public is definitely a worthy price to pay for the love of the hoo hoo …….

So the next time you see someone who is gay (or more likely someone you may think is gay and have used as a butt for every joke at the office) try and put yourself in thier shoes, the poor bastard isn’t blind nor deaf; he’s just willing to put up with your snickering ……

This Job Will Get to You in the End ……

This profession kills us all …… the lucky ones at least. The stress of 7 years of having useless crap shoved down your throat when all you want to do is play Superman is enough to kill anybody (Yes, even Rambo). The reason why I refer to those killed by this noble profession as “the luck ones”* is because some, very few end up giving those damn patients whats coming to them ….

Take Herman W Mudgett for example, born in May 16th 1860 to a Levi Mudgett and Theodate Page Mudgett of Gilmenton, New Hampshire, he managed to last just about until he got his first job before he cracked.

Herman was first introduced the wonders of the human body when he forced to touch a real skeleton at the doctors office by a bunch of bullies at the tender age of 9, he had described the experience as mesmerising and fascinating (or words to that effect). Some-one should have spotted the psycho back then.

Mudgett at the time he qualified (I think)

He enrolled at the University of Michigan and qualified from their medical school in 1884 and that’s when the fun begins. His first gig was at “Dr. E.S. Holton’s drugstore” in Inglewood, he eventually managed to buy the store from Dr Holton. Holton agreed to sell him the store if he let Mrs Holton live in the upstairs apartment for free. She was killed by Mudgett(or Dr. H.H. Holmes as he was now known) the day her husband died of cancer. Mrs Holton was the first of over 20 victims this serial killer managed to kill during his lifetime and like all good serial killers he had aspecific demographic he’d chase after; young females, usually brunettes.

His erm”office”

Mudgett had converted the drugstore into a hotel, a bunch of shops and his “office” which was divided into a hundred or so windowless rooms which served as his maze of death. He even had 2 furnaces running at the place to dispose of the bodies. Now that’s something I’d want to see on MTV Cribs.

Holmes was eventually convicted and executed (personally I would have just let the guy live for a hundred years and wallow in his own guilt…. but to each his own). He managed to kill over 20 people (including a bunch of kids), sell their organs + skeletons to the local medical school and even managed to pick up 3 wives along the way (he was married to two of them at the same time).He also managed to fake his assistants death for the insurance money. He had to kill the guy in the end though so I don’t think he technically faked his death so much as killed him to get the money …. not very crafty IMHO ….

Looking back on his story I can’t help but wonder how many of my co-workers have or are likely to cross that line and sincerely hope that I die before I get to open my own private practice (My “office” will have web cams and a giant ray gun …… I’d like to see them pull that off in SAW 6 !)

* Yes, quoting myself is rather vain …… apologies .

Medical Terms, as interpreted by Jessica Simpson

 

Looking back on Jessica Simpsons pictures circa 1999 one can’t help but notice how “polished” she looks lately and although the benefits of tuna* (or “cheackeyn oaf thie seay” as she calls it) have been well documented none of them include bigger lips or firmer breasts over the course of 2 news cycles. Which leads me to believe that she may be spending a fair share of her time at the doctors office and as with any “intelligent” (I use the term loosely here) person she has probably developed and understanding for various medical terms used in day to day practice. What follows is pseudo-account of her interpretation of these terms.

 

ARTERY: Study of the Fine arts

BENIGN: What you do after be eight…

BARIUM: What you do when CPR and that whole shocking thing fails.

CESAREAN SECTION: The Roman district in any given city.

COLIC: A sheep doug (had to get the accent right)

COMA: A punctuation mark.

CONGENITAL: Friendly

DILATE: To live for a hell of a long time (the opposite of die early)

FESTER: Quicker

G.I. SERIES: The U.S. Army Baseball Series.

GRIPPE: Suitcase

HANGNAIL: A coat hook.

MEDICAL STAFF: A doctors cane (It’s true! Just watch house!)

MINOR OPERATION: Digging a coal mine

MORBID: A higher offer during an auction

NITRATE: As opposed to day rate.

NODE: Was aware of; the opposite of did not know.

ORGANIC: A church musician.

OUTPATIENT: A person who has fainted

POST-OPERATIVE: A letter carrier

PROTEIN: A person who helps out the teens in his community

SECRETION: A person who hides things.

SEROLOGY: The study of the English Knighthood

TABLET: A small table.

TUMOR: An extra pair of a given object.

URINE: As opposed to you’re out.

VARICOSE VEINS: Veins which as very close together.

This whole article is a mash up of various others and is heavily based on a combination of forwards and forums posts I’ve read on the net. It’s also purely fictional and a very poor effort on my part it must be said.

*If you don’t get it then you should really watch newly weds series 1.