Posts Tagged → sex
The Boys and The Girls
We’ve all been there, seen it or done it ….. Barbies …….. we’ve all heard of, seen, or owned a barbie doll at some point …….. this fact might be embarrassing to about half the people reading this right now. You see for girls this was the ultimate in awesome ….. the best-est thing ever. Most boys however, would be embarrassed by the fact that they like barbie dolls at the age of four, or harboured a secret collection of barbies dating back to the 80′s but what does it really mean?
If you ask people of our generation (well at least the more liberal folk) they’ll usually tell you it means nothing and that there’s nothing wrong with it; probably a “stage” the person you’re going through. However, those of us born in the 60′s, 50′s and 40′s would probably see it as blasphemy of some sort or other (yes, I am referring to the Kuwaiti population as opposed to the population in general and I know I might be over generalising …… but I can …. so live with it)
But is there really nothing wrong with it? Is it really just a toy or is there a difference between boys and girls and the way they see perceive toys? It’s very hard to pin point, in fact it would be damn near impossible if it weren’t for the magic of google ……
Using googles eye-tracking tech psychologists at Texas A & M took a group of 30 toddlers (3-8 month old boys and girls) and put a doll and a toy truck in front of them then gawked at them. The results of this admittedly less than scientific test are rather interesting.
For one thing most of the girls went for the doll and kept staring at the doll (particularly the face) and really wanted it where are boys just couldn’t decide, half of them went for the doll while the other half went for the truck, worst still …… the boys took longer to make their decision (about 25% longer) which means that we are probably born thicker than the girls are …….
But seriously, what could we gain from such an arbitrary study? Should we assume that we’re born liking trucks or dolls? Or that boys like both while girls like one or the other? That a girl is born a girl while boys might be open to gender identity disorder?
The authors of the study claim that it mirrors other such as the one of monkeys, the one where they compared pink and blue preference, in that it proves that gender identity dictates preference (boy like cars because boys are meant to, girls like dolls because they are meant to). I think they are wrong and am arrogant enough to say so.
The study could mean that girls like things that look like humans because they like role play (every girls fantasy is being the bell of the ball/princess/all dressed in white or something to do with role play), boys tend to enjoy playing, messing around etc …… even into adulthood. But that’s probably wrong too.
I think it illustrates a far more boring and mundane point; we are influenced easily by social interactions with our parents as kids. We don’t know what we want, but we know what our parents want us to want because of clues they give us. If my father plays with the toy truck while I’m around him and encourages me to do the same while he tends to ignore me when I play with the barbie doll or even take it away from me then chances are I’m going to go with the truck because I want human interaction. If my mother buys me a toy truck and smiles when she sees me playing with it and does the same when my sister plays with her dolls then it must mean that I’m meant to have the truck while my sister is meant to have the doll regardless of my gender and if my truck has brighter colors than chances are it will seem more interesting to me as a toddler, especially when compared with a texture less doll.
Now the naysayers and firm believers among us would counter that my argument doesn’t explain why boys took longer to decide than girls. The answer lies in how easily influenced we are as kids by our parents, boys may not understand social cues as well as girls do or they may not even get the same amount of attention which is why they tend to take longer to decide, just look at how much women say when they gawk at each other at the local Starbucks for gods sake …. isnt that proof enough ……
Still whether you’re with me or with the original authors you can let them know what you think by emailing them
Stop Calling it a Disease for Fucks Sake ……..
You’ll never have a local community ans I really have no business writing this, I’m not in your shoes and could never imagine being in them but I figured a good kick up the backside (no pun intended) might help you savvy up and do something.
I could never be a great doctor, I could be a safe one, competent one, funny one but never a good one …… and that’s because I never know when to shut up.
Over the past two years I’ve seen a disease or a defintion of one raise it’s ugly head from the depths after it was quashed back in the 70′s by men and women far braver and more enlightened than I could ever be. Way back then some people, mainly in the medical community tried to formulate some kind of disease based on a broad definition, namely wanting to fuck, dress or sound like anything but your own sex. These people were the American Psychiatric Association (or APA) and they are the ones responsible for THE book on psychiatric disorders known as the diagnostics and statistics manual or DSM.
The way that modern psychiatry works is actually quiet interesting in that it has pretty much been standardised into a check list of symptoms for each condition and has all the conditions marked out in a book (known as the DSM) and every couple of years since the 1950′s there has been a new addition of the book with a new list of illnesses based on discoveries and reviews by committees formed and funded by the APA. The last version of the book with a deifintion of gender identity disorder was the DSM III back in 1970 and back then (as is the case with many ignorant bigots now) there was no clear difference between criteria for gender identity disorder (man in womans body/ woman in mans body) and sexual orientation (liking the hoo hoo or the pee pee or perhaps both).
Thankfully gender identity disorder was thrown out thanks to lobbying by many people in the field but more importantly people in the community who understood the implication of labelling sexuality as a disease and all that remains of it is a vague vestigial definition 4 lines long in DSM 4 that no body reads.
After all, where should the line be drawn when diagnosing someone with a disease and what diagnostic value does it provide? what is the mechanism involved? Chances are there aren’t any answers to these questions because there is no disease….. people have preferences, I can’t live without the hoo hoo, some of us can’t live without the dongle, other still wish the had one, but how does that kill anybody?
Unfortunately, as the APA began to formulate the next edition of their yellowpages of psychiatric illness and disease, they decided it’s high time they re-introduced gender identity disorder and form a committee of “experts” to do it and interestingly enough not only has the committee been charged with the task of making the windows 7 of psychiatry, they’ve also decided to formulate criteria for childhood and adolescent gender identity disorders.
Now, many of you might think that defining and trying to identify things like if your child is gay/straight/bi/likes new kids on the block is a good thing, but I’d argue that in your heart of hearts you really don’t care and you’ll love them just the same. Alot of people would also argue that you can save them, but that would only be true if it were an actual disease rather than simply a harmless preference similar to ones preference for alchol or a particular flavour of icecream. And some will argue that there’s nothing wrong with trying to “catch and treat them early” ……. chances are there is ….. people like the World Professional Association for Transgender Health wouldn’t know how to treat a head ache if you put panadol in their left hand and a cup of water in their right ….. like many ignorant bastards all they do is try to brainwash the young.
So if you are like me, these people and 9,550 others who can’t shut the fuck up and won’t let their kids be stigmitised and treated like leopars by a bunch of fuddy duddies and crazy teachers (not all of you are crazy ….. but some …… ugh ….) let your voice be heard and send these people an email …….
Flirting ….. the New Six Pack …..
I’m not saying that all women are the same or trying to make it sound like people are superficial, it’s all supposed to be tongue in cheek so enjoy.
Now before all of you go out and cancel your subscriptions to platinum and decide to double that second portion of pancakes at early bird, please bear in mind that the title is almost a complete lie. For the most part (apparently) women tend to be inherently attracted to a more or less mixed bag of people so in a technical sense that six pack is worth it depending on what/who you’re aiming for. However increasingly it has been recognised that an overall muscular build is not as ….. significant (not exactly the term I’m looking for but what the hey) as other things are.
It’s interesting how dynamic our tastes as humans are, they are influenced by everything from music videos to advertising, to the weather even and clothing. And in the case of the fairer sex it also seems to be influenced by that spontaneous bleed they all seem to have once a month or so.
For the most part women tend to go for men who are taller (relative to the general population), with more husky voices, good rhythm (an ability to dance without looking like you ass is one fire or are trying to get pepper spray out of your eyes), and are generally speaking at or above average height. This is thought to be more of a subconscious thing and is largely attributed to genetic selection rather than an actual active preference for a particular type of male.
Interestingly, muscular build and masculine faces (big jaw, a “roman” nose or a widows peak) don’t tend to play that much of a role in our mating process, i.e. being built like Sly in rocky 3 won’t really give you an edge if your bald, short and with a voice that’s akin to the war cry of a pygmy in heat.
Flirting on the other hand does, and unlike that six pack and pecks the size of salad plates at Applebees, flirting doesn’t really require all that much work or the use of cow testosterone and growth hormone, all it requires is well …… being a cheeky bastard and perhaps one or two drinks to bring up the Casanova in you and help you find one good thing in your perspective mate.
Infact flirting in many recent studies has been found to be far more important than all the above put together especially when women are ovulating (half way between that period and the one due in 2 weeks time). Flirting also seems to be dynamic and dependant on how masculine your face looks; in other words the less chiseled that jaw of yours is the more likely your are to score and the more muscular you are the less likely that flirting will actually increase your chances. As with most things human the reason why this seems to be the case is largely still a mystery but it’s thought that at some subconscious level masculinity and muscular build is associated with less commitment and an increased likely hood that the fucker has one two or three people on the side.
Having said that flirting, unlike built bodies, long hair, a husky voice or a 12,000 dollar watch is very hard to quantify and very variable. It’s actually a very complex type of behaviour and can vary from just looking at a person, to the way you talk to the way they talk to other people in the room so it’s very hard to objectively score someone in terms of flirting. The way most studies do it is akin to the selection process for star academy and is probably just as useful.
So the take home message this week is that if you have a six pack good on you, learn how to dance without looking like a pollock and maybe try to come up with something better than “halla wallah” or “i3yoonich naar” and for the humans among us it may be a good idea to try and work on the same ……..
Ink.
Happy Eid …….
oh and Yes, I am a fan …….
You’ve gotta love tattoos whether it’s the “fake” ones that come with bubble gum packs that you lick and stick, hennah tattoos or the more traditional type, tattoos have often been seen as a fashion statement or a form of self expression. Personally I’ve always been a fan of them for various resons, namely the fact that that they just look cool no matter how you slice it.
They’ve actually been around since the 5th centruy BC and were found on human popsicles that date back to that era, and have been used in darker times to identify prisoners of war and by doctors (well …. witch doctors) for everything from fertility to acupuncture) and is still used to mark out areas for radiotherapy and to fashion nipples in breast reconstruction.
By and large tattoos have had a bad name …. for the most part people tend to associate them the unsaviory which is rather unfortunate and pretty darn wrong as a couple of plastic surgeons from poland came to find out in their european study.
Dr Antoszewski and his team conducted a suvey within their community asking why people got tattooed, when they got tattooed and whether they have more than one and the results are quiet interesting. For one thing most men get tattoos rather than piercing first where as (for obvious reasons ….. i.e. their mother wanted cute pictures of them) most women tended toget pierced first and for the most part people tended to get on average 3 tattoos over their life time. Also, most people were motivated by trying to express a certain aspect of their identity rather than pee pressure (a close second) where as most people got pierced ’cause of peer pressure. They also found that whether it was tattoos or pieced hoo hoo’s social background and drug taking/risk taking behaviour were not as closely linked as other surveys had shown, meaning that the image of a coke snorting, herion mainlining, toothless disease vagrant is dieing down in tattoo culture. Granted few rocket scientist get them but since when did rocket scientists have a sense of style or identity; they;re usually the annoying kid in class who kept breaking the curve and had his mother check his homework.
Another survey conducted by a dermatolgist, Dr Armstrong hailing from Texas Tech asked people why they wanted their tattoos off. For the most part people tended to get rid of tattoos because they’ve experienced a major shift in their personality such as finding God, a change of lifestyle or risk of social stigma given their current jobs, they also found that women tended to choose to keep their tattoos for them selves and pick areas that are hidden by clothing while men tended to want to chow them off picking their arms and for arms as the site of choice and that people tended to get rid of their tattoos about 20 years after they get them done.
And yes, unfortunately like most surgical procedures tattoos and piercings tend to harbor a risk of HIV, heptitis C and various other infections of the skin and do require care after the procedure to prevent things like keloids and scarring but I’m quick to point out that those risks are fairly minimal thanks to regulation of the industry in most countires and the introduction or sterile tattoo equipment.
It’s very hard not to think that tattoos are more so associated with our over all need for self expression that we’ve come to enjoy these days, just take a look at ur social networking sites, twitter and blogs, we’ve become people who like to scream it loud and proud and tattoos are just one more medium. Another thing that seems evident from these studies is that alot of people tend to regret tattoos that aren’t associated with personal meanings, in other words you wont regret a tattoo that means something to you (well you’re less likely to hate them in 10 years time)
Condoms ….. Plastic Bullet of Doom.
As you may have gathered, I am a firm believer in the condom. As far as I’m concerned it is the bestest invention ever. Beats TV, the internet and even fermentation (where would we be without cheese and liban ……and yes even the Jesus juice too). However, recent studies seemed to have found a rather interesting/worrying side effect to safe sex.
It seems that in a fair percentage of cases penile vaginal intercourse without a condom can be a good thing as a recent article published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour suggests. Apparently consistent condom use is linked to such dangers as psycholigical immaturity (we don’t develop the right tools to deal with emotions) and lack of ability to deal with stress. Further more some other articles advocate penile-vaginal sex as a method to control blood pressure, heart rate and over all health, (all of these benefits apparently do not apply when there’s a piece of plastic in the way.
These rather bold statements on the medical marvel and much negated cure all that is unprotected vaginal sex have lead me to try and find out why that piece of plastic keeps fucking things up. One reason could be that the fumbling pisses both partners off and leads to elevated blood pressure, another could be the fact the pain related to the guy thinking he has to stick his ding dong in fast and furious till the girl has rug burns …… but by far the most interesting reasons I’ve found both have to do with seminal fluid-spunk.
The first is the apparent antidepressant properties of sperm (why I spent my money on weed in college is beyond me …….strike that ….. I don’t swing both ways ….. oh well ) and the other is that unprotected vaginal sex apparently helps you fight off HIV by boosting certain allo-immune factors (I failed immunology so you’ll have to forgive me if I’ve gotten this wrong).
Now I’m one of those people who thinks that everything and anything in medical literature should be published. We have loads of quack doctors running around as it stands so matters can’t get that much worse and the state the FDA is in at the moment drug companies can be feeding you cyanide tablets for shits and giggles and it’d be legal. However even with a publishing track record like mine (drivel of the highest order …..especially during the college years …. I cringe at how vain I was to think that I could change the world with just one typo-laden, ethically biased article) you’d have to be insane not to see that there is some bias in some of these papers. (all links are click-able and I encourage you to read the individual papers if you have the time).
For one thing none papers on semen analysis were conducted using monogamous couple only and did not offer a baseline or compared polygamous/polyamorous relationships, gay relationships or relationships involving sporadic condom use. Secondly the semen is the new prozac article doesn’t even tell you which compounds in semen act as antidepressents, so it’s the scientific equivalent of if you breath air between the ages of 12 and 18 you will grow tall very quickly.Plus there’s another point to be made, the semen explains why women benefit from unprotected sex but does not explain why men do …….
And as for the articles with the running commentry on how using a condom with make you go crazy, get depressed and lord knows what else ….. you have to bear in mind that most of these articles were written or co-written by the same person – Stuart Brody. PhD. Now he may have a point (I’ll confess I haven’t read everything he’s written and lord knows the guy can churn them out faster than a catholic family pops out babies) somewhere but I sincerely doubt that his rather erm …. rather controversially article “Lack of evidence for transmission of human immunodeficiency virus through vaginal intercourse.” would aid his credibility.
We all love being mavericks and expecially when it come to sex …… after all …. some would argue that everything we do revolves around our evolutionary impertive to “boom boom pow” as it were. However conducting a survey and saying that the reason why people should not think that vaginal intercourse is strongly linked to HIV is because of the” intellectual limitations of some respondents resulted in seropositive subjects failing to report anal intercourse or iv activity. Such failure often resulted in attributing HIV spread to vaginal intercourse.” Meaning that he wasn’t sure if the people he surveyed were fucked up the arse, shot up herione or bought condoms before they were involved in the study and there for can’t prove that vaginal sex actually lead to them getting HIV. Kind of like saying because people tend to smoke, drive cars and use mobile phones you can’t prove that people die in a car crash, they could have died because of smoking.
So I suppose the point behind this post is not to believe everything you read, most of the stuff we’ll read over the next couple of years of our lives will be manipulated, processed and doctored to suite people needs; sure I could have talked about any number of other studies and cure alls but this seemed the most interesting for numerous reasons.
Another interesting thing to look out for is when/how Brody’s work will be interpreted and used by the religious right …….. food for thought I say ……
Yes, here’s his email stuartbrody@hotmail.com. Have fun …….
Gaydar.
Yes ….. another sex-ed post ……. not as raunchy as most would like but there you go ……
We’ve all watched Will and Grace, The L-word and Queer as Folk and have borne witness to that magical 6th sense known as the Gaydar and although many of you might think it was just an urban myth or something as simple as seeing if the guy gets a manicure or the girl chooses to let moustache run rampant …… think again …..
The gaydar is probably best defined as the ability to pic out or discern the gender of a person with a relatively high accuracy. It’s been studied by psychiatrists (finally made themselves useful), gender studies experts and even neurologists and the results are quite interesting. For one thing thanks to the work of Ambady, Hallahan and Conner (Currently tenuring at Tufts I believe) we can now say hand on heart that if you showed a one second clip or even a photo of a person to a group of gay and straight men and women, gay men are by far the most likely to guess the gender correctly while straight men wouldn’t know a gay man if he bought him a beer and gave him a quick rub down ……
Which means that the so-called gaydar is actually one of those things that you need to learn, practice and hone. Unlike sexual orientation (which is one of those things you are born with); you actually need to work at it and learn it and the reason why gay men are better at it than say, gay women or the straight population is because gay men need it to “survive”. Thanks to societal pressures and the fact that it is/was largely considered taboo gay men have had to get really good at it to prevent a beat down, loss of their jobs etc …..
Having said that various panels, questionnaires and studies have been conducted to analyze exactly how the thing works and to this day they cant say that it depends on hair, behaviour, skin color, appearance or anything else. But they can say the it’s a type of intuition or impulse which means that it relies on a preconceived idea and is therefor hotwired over time.
So it’s not something that requires active thinking but is rather something that we do subconsciously by taking in the person as a whole. Kind of like the type of thing you’d do when picking out a friend on your first day of school. You talk to them but you don’t know why you do it exactly.
The problem with this type of hotwiring is that it’s labile and isn’t 100% efficient … it’s also easily lost if not used enough (which explains why straight men are crap at it). It largely depends on the following:
- experience: whether you’ve actually seen or are exposed to people of varying sexual orientation, and if you, yourself are comfortable with yours.
- mood state
- Stereotypes you may have with regards to clothing, a lisp or say pink hair.
- Predispositions: do you want the ride that fine ass? or hoo hoo?
So when all is said and done it’s kind of one of these things that does exist, but you have to work on ….. alot. You also have to clear your head for it to work right and you pretty much have to go out there and let that freak flag fly!
But there is an important question that none of the studies mentioned above tries to address and that point is probably the most important and interesting of all; as homosexuality becomes more socially acceptable will the need to hone this skill dwindle? Will that sixth sense shrink like a residual organ and be left a useless remnant of it’s formal self?
Could a Liberal Society kill the gaydar?
Only time will tell ……
You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong*
Yes, a boring sex ed. post ….. apologies ……
Tis the summer and we are all in heat, and this while being largely accepted as a good thing (who wouldn’t enjoy a roll in the hey once or twice a week with their loved one or “special friend” or “paid partner” or “friend who always gets you gifts for a good time” whoever he/she may be) is also a major cause of heart ache at your local casualty because it means that the ever diligent (yeah right) casualty officer will have to face a hoard of itchy hoo hoos and burning pee pees who’s numbers would make Globals debt look like spare change …. the poor bastard will be rolling in your STDs, you filthy horny mongrels ……… Imagine the poor man examining one of you and then eating a sandwich …. with his hands …..ugh ….. (he won’t be able to tell whether the smell was blue cheese or the remnants of your nether regions ……. )
Yes, I am talking about condoms and before everyone claims that they always use the damn things and know how to use them let me provide you with some numbers:
- Less than 25% of our age group uses condoms consitantly, when asked most of us say it’s because “s/he’s clean”, or “I was drunk” or “I couldn’t remember” or the ever so intelligent “I don’t need one”. Good news is about 95% of us do use condoms every now and then…… we’re just not smart enough to turn it into a habit ….. Damn monkeys that we* are ……
- The excuses given by the 18-30 year olds in the above study are garbage. Statistically speaking the only think that influences your likelihood of using condoms is what the boffins call ” safer sex negotiations” meaning … “Honey, I need you to wear a condom” ……. or in our case “7abeeby ’7an roo7 Boots” and apparently neither horneyness, alcohol, “the mood”, anger nor excitement have anything to do with it in the big scheme of things.
- Your negotiation skills are directly related to the amount of sex education you’ve had as a kid .….. which tells us exactly why Lipton Chai Latte outsells Condoms in this country ……..
So the take home message is that we need to buy more condoms and spend more time learning to wear them (or making our partners wear them), besides if you think about it over 500 years of R’n'D can’t be wrong really …….
Condoms were first used in 1490 during the syphilis outbreak( ….. it has been 500 years and people still come into hospital with burning urine ……) and since then we’ve gone from condoms made from intestines, to sheep skin condoms (still in use for those of us with allergies), to latex ones (very popular) and the female condom (not quite as popular, I blame the fiddliness of the damn thing …. diaphragms are a far better option IMHO), to spray-ondoms and even custom fitted ones for those of us who might be a little too well endowed (or otherwise perhaps) , there was even an anti-rape female condom developed at one point (the damn thing was a tampon with needles on the inside …… that way you could ensnare your assailant in yer hoo hoo as it were ….. very morbid indeed).
And whenever safe sex has come up in conversation we always end up talking about failure rates ….. yes, the failure rates …… I’ll put it to you this way: Like the seat belt you’re better off with it than without it and here are some fun facts to prove the point:
- In terms of preventing pregnancy condoms have a failure rate of 2 percent. That means for every hundred times you get laid and wear a condom you should expect expect to see two kids who look a little like you to show up at your doorstep at some point.
- In terms of reducing HIV condoms have reduced the risk by approximately 85% over recent years, bringing it down to 0.9 per 100 people per year (basically if you were HIV positive you would have to sleep with 1000 people with condoms to get 9 of them infected per year …… )
- Condoms also reduce the risks of genital herpes, genital warts, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and other diseases by varying rates as well (no less than 70% ….. I’m too lazy to look all of them up).
Lastly, yes, the and pollution and waste produced by condoms is significant and their manufacture does introduce various carcinogens into our bodies but the amounts are so small that they literally don’t count and the manufacturing process used to make condoms has about a tenth of the carbon foot print required to make that pink iPhone case you bought the other day ……
Oh and YES, YOU SHOULD WEAR CONDOMS DURING ORAL SEX YOU FUCKING TURNIPS …….. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU GET HERPES FROM COLD SOARS AND COLD SOARS FROM HERPES ……… THEY’RE THE SAME THING YOU GIMPS …….
*Alternative titles that would have worked just as well:
Cover your stump before you hump
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
Don’t be silly, protect your willy
When in doubt, shroud your spout
Don’t be a loner, cover your boner
If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it
If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick
If you go into heat, package your meat
While you’re undressing venus, dress up your penis
When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
Especially in December, gift wrap your member
Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool
The right selection will protect your erection
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
A crank with armor will never harm her
No glove, no love!
High Fidelity
Apologies for the bad grammar, I’ve lost my grasp of the English language lately ……
Oh and if you hate the damn thing you can blame her for inspiring me to write this drivel …….
Modern society (not just our rather silly excuse for one) is rife with it and despite the relatively high marriage rates and the ever vigilant religious zealots and gossip hounds we still live in a society where adultery has become a second national sport (just after over eating).
We don’t like to think about it, hate the notion of it happening to us and yet if you ask most people whether they’ve had an affair or heard of someone having one (yes, hookers in Bahrain every third weekend counts! You Stupid Muppet…… at least tell me you wore a condom, poor woman doesn’t deserve an arsehole for a partner and the clap……) I’d bet my left nut that they’d say yes to at least one of the two and I would ideally like to prove the point using statistics but sadly we’re just too damn lazy to collect them…..
Besides, statistics in this case are useless because adultery and extra-marital sex aren’t infectious, they’re largely inherent to the relationship and the people involved in it. For one thing we now know that men are just a tad more likely to sleep around than women, this was proven (well kind of) by a rather ingenious study conducted by a medical school in Utah which compared adultery in married men and gay men and found that all things pertaining you’re just as likely to cheat on your significant other regardless of whether it was a he or a she.
But that only tells us that all men are pigs (something I learnt when I saw myself naked for the first time), it doesn’t tell us why we as humans have a need to cheat (and don’t even think of trying the 4 wives thing ….. it doesn’t count since on average most philanderers will not stick to the same four philanderees and last I checked it was 40:60 ratio in female to male cheaters so it’s not always the guy who does the cheating first) and why we don’t think of it as something that’s natural either?
As with all things human the answer isn’t very simple, nor is it easy to grasp but according to some of my colleagues toiling away at the problem at the University of Colorado (yes, they are that bored in Boulder ……they’re trying to cure Desperate Housewives) the answer lies in analysing cheating using pure statistics and using that to figure out which factors make a marriage/relationship work and which don’t (a relationship post-mortem if you will).
At the risk of stating the obvious they found that the most influential factor was marital dissatisfaction (i.e. where both or one person wasn’t happy in the relationship). Interestingly, they also found that low self esteem (if you’re feeling down, you’ll sleep around), neurotic-ism (if you’re afraid that person X might sleep with you’re husband you’re more likely to do the sleeping around first) and pregnancy/kids (the more pregnant your partner is the more likely you are to sleep around, you’re also more likely to leave them and the kids don’t even factor into the equation) and ofcourse religion (which naturally makes you less likely to have an affair but more likely that you’ll leave your husband/wife for someone else).
So, strangely enough getting pregnant won’t help cement the relationship (finally put that old wives tale to rest) and running a religious household won’t make your marriage last any longer but at least you’re less likely to catch something from “the other woman” or respective boy toy.(Yes, I know not everything I refer to is in that article but a good chunk is and the rest is in another one written by the same authors)
Another thing that I’ve always found interesting about fidelity is it’s close relationship with jealousy and how one influences the other. Apparently we experience 2 types of jealousy; emotional (he looked at her, she looked a him, they’re in love and I’m going to kill her/him while s/he sleeps) and sexual (he only looked at her because of the size of her boobs but it’s me he’s going home with ….. he’s not getting any nookie tonight …. maybe I should get implants ….. OR ….. that steroid laden, ripped, shredded mother fucker just looked at my wife! Did you see that! He looked at my wife! I oughta’ kick his ass! but I’m far too civilised for that, instead I’m spending next weekend with the boys at the chalet …. just to spite her …….) and men (being the block headed turnips that we are) are more likely to develop the sexual kind while women (having spent the past 2 years following turkish soap operas that are based no who’s cheating on who and which one of them is going to die of cancer) the more emotional.
Jealousy is also varies in both you and your partner according to her periods, it’s highest mid cycle (yes, we are talking about aunt flow here and yes, men are affected by it too) and lowest at the end of the period. Interestingly, mid-cycle is also the time when men tend to find women more attractive and women are more likely to cheat ( …. and I thought men were bastards ….. that’s just cold hearted- torture …. making your significant other randy while you go trolloping around like that …….)
So although there is no cure for cheating,(well apart from castration in the case of men …. not really a cure though) no fidelity boosting drugs or any useful advice on how to mend a shattered relationship soaked in the venom that is jealousy at least you now know whether or not your relationship will last or if that hot married person is likely to have an affair with you. You’ve also learnt one more reason why Dr. Foz doesn’t know what she’s talking about ………
Mary Roach, A Woman After my Own Heart
Not really a post more like a showcase of one of my favorite contemporary writers and a woman after my own heart. You’ll also notice that I’ve changed the theme to something that looks a little like the original theme the site started off with (aptly named “Doc”). You can blame plastic for the face lift …… who says black and green can’t work together ……
For more info on Mary Roach (the woman in the youtube video) please visit her website. She’s one of the finest scientific writers I’ve come across in a long while and has published 3 books (Stiff and Spook on death and the afterlife and Bonk on sex and sexuality) all of which have been more of an influence than most of the big wigs you’re likely to meet at any medical school.Ms Roach if you’re reading this please allow me to extend my services as an intern in perpetuity …….
…. The High Point of my Day …..
Before people start denying it, 99% of those of us will pee pees and 71% of those of us with hoo hoos have done it and no I’m not talking about trying smoking, weed or booze, I’m talking about masturbation ….. which is why I think that the other respective 1 and 33 percent are liars and should be shot or caught in the act and put on Beautiful Agony.
And ofcourse as with all things which tend to give us pleasure that we can’t measure medical science (I use the term liberally in this case) has been poking and prodding at it for centuries trying to find some reason to hark on about how unhealthy it is. Doctors have blamed everything from psychosis, to delirium to mythical hairy palms, to acne and jaundice and even cancer on poor old masturbation without a shred of evidence to support it to this day.
Personally I think the bastards made that up so that they can sell parents a chastity belts for little Cindy and Tom (an industry that is still flourishing to this day ….. the bastards ….); the fact of the matter is that there are only two medical conditions that one can attribute to masturbation and both are thankfully very rare and only occur in men.(Women know how to treat the hoo hoo with the love and respect it deserves)
His and hers chastity belts …. tripe of the highest order …. I wonder when some zealot will try and make wearing them a law …….
To be honest, it’s the guys own fault; the first is a stricture or phimosis* which occurs as a result of too much tugging and hula hooping while you’re romancing yourself and the second is a snapping or fracture of the penis which happens when jerk offs just don’t know how to jerk off (you never bend the little soldier! ever! Fucking retards …. )
The only thing women have to be afraid of is breaking the padlock on the gateway of pleasure as it were (means breaking the hymen for the less metaphorically inclined among us) which, while being a big problem in our fair society is not that big a problem in a medical sense and although it may act as a deterrent in some cases a really doubt it does in many.
Besides people who masturbate are freeing themselves from bucket loads (well not bucket loads …. unless you count the psychological ones associated with stress and depression) of disease. Men can rest assured that their risks of prostate cancer infection, urinary infections and heart attacks drop like bricks from a government run hospital and women can rest assured that while there are no clear cut evidence that masturbation will rock your world (well at least not the first time you give it a try), make you smarter or be a perfect part of your weight loss program it does hep strengthen your pelvic muscles, alleviate some of the grief that Aunt Flow gives you every couple of weeks and depending on the time of the month make you more fertile (don’t know whether you’d really want that though ……)
And lets not forget mutual masturbation! While it may not be for everyone and is probably a little awkward if you aren’t in the mood it can help you get to know your partner, the best places to start when you’re doing the nasty and what they like most. Which, in the long run will help your “bedside manner” as it were and probably be a damn sight better than any of our more popular televised relationship experts who will not be named because her name …. lord bless the damn woman but she gives me an ulcer in less than ten minutes ….. ya3yoony ……
So boys and girls rest assured there’s nothing wrong with rubbing one off every now and then (the average is 4-5 times a week in your 20′s) or giving that mouse a double click…….
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