Posts Tagged → vagina
Condoms ….. Plastic Bullet of Doom.
As you may have gathered, I am a firm believer in the condom. As far as I’m concerned it is the bestest invention ever. Beats TV, the internet and even fermentation (where would we be without cheese and liban ……and yes even the Jesus juice too). However, recent studies seemed to have found a rather interesting/worrying side effect to safe sex.
It seems that in a fair percentage of cases penile vaginal intercourse without a condom can be a good thing as a recent article published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour suggests. Apparently consistent condom use is linked to such dangers as psycholigical immaturity (we don’t develop the right tools to deal with emotions) and lack of ability to deal with stress. Further more some other articles advocate penile-vaginal sex as a method to control blood pressure, heart rate and over all health, (all of these benefits apparently do not apply when there’s a piece of plastic in the way.
These rather bold statements on the medical marvel and much negated cure all that is unprotected vaginal sex have lead me to try and find out why that piece of plastic keeps fucking things up. One reason could be that the fumbling pisses both partners off and leads to elevated blood pressure, another could be the fact the pain related to the guy thinking he has to stick his ding dong in fast and furious till the girl has rug burns …… but by far the most interesting reasons I’ve found both have to do with seminal fluid-spunk.
The first is the apparent antidepressant properties of sperm (why I spent my money on weed in college is beyond me …….strike that ….. I don’t swing both ways ….. oh well ) and the other is that unprotected vaginal sex apparently helps you fight off HIV by boosting certain allo-immune factors (I failed immunology so you’ll have to forgive me if I’ve gotten this wrong).
Now I’m one of those people who thinks that everything and anything in medical literature should be published. We have loads of quack doctors running around as it stands so matters can’t get that much worse and the state the FDA is in at the moment drug companies can be feeding you cyanide tablets for shits and giggles and it’d be legal. However even with a publishing track record like mine (drivel of the highest order …..especially during the college years …. I cringe at how vain I was to think that I could change the world with just one typo-laden, ethically biased article) you’d have to be insane not to see that there is some bias in some of these papers. (all links are click-able and I encourage you to read the individual papers if you have the time).
For one thing none papers on semen analysis were conducted using monogamous couple only and did not offer a baseline or compared polygamous/polyamorous relationships, gay relationships or relationships involving sporadic condom use. Secondly the semen is the new prozac article doesn’t even tell you which compounds in semen act as antidepressents, so it’s the scientific equivalent of if you breath air between the ages of 12 and 18 you will grow tall very quickly.Plus there’s another point to be made, the semen explains why women benefit from unprotected sex but does not explain why men do …….
And as for the articles with the running commentry on how using a condom with make you go crazy, get depressed and lord knows what else ….. you have to bear in mind that most of these articles were written or co-written by the same person – Stuart Brody. PhD. Now he may have a point (I’ll confess I haven’t read everything he’s written and lord knows the guy can churn them out faster than a catholic family pops out babies) somewhere but I sincerely doubt that his rather erm …. rather controversially article “Lack of evidence for transmission of human immunodeficiency virus through vaginal intercourse.” would aid his credibility.
We all love being mavericks and expecially when it come to sex …… after all …. some would argue that everything we do revolves around our evolutionary impertive to “boom boom pow” as it were. However conducting a survey and saying that the reason why people should not think that vaginal intercourse is strongly linked to HIV is because of the” intellectual limitations of some respondents resulted in seropositive subjects failing to report anal intercourse or iv activity. Such failure often resulted in attributing HIV spread to vaginal intercourse.” Meaning that he wasn’t sure if the people he surveyed were fucked up the arse, shot up herione or bought condoms before they were involved in the study and there for can’t prove that vaginal sex actually lead to them getting HIV. Kind of like saying because people tend to smoke, drive cars and use mobile phones you can’t prove that people die in a car crash, they could have died because of smoking.
So I suppose the point behind this post is not to believe everything you read, most of the stuff we’ll read over the next couple of years of our lives will be manipulated, processed and doctored to suite people needs; sure I could have talked about any number of other studies and cure alls but this seemed the most interesting for numerous reasons.
Another interesting thing to look out for is when/how Brody’s work will be interpreted and used by the religious right …….. food for thought I say ……
Yes, here’s his email stuartbrody@hotmail.com. Have fun …….
Gaydar.
Yes ….. another sex-ed post ……. not as raunchy as most would like but there you go ……
We’ve all watched Will and Grace, The L-word and Queer as Folk and have borne witness to that magical 6th sense known as the Gaydar and although many of you might think it was just an urban myth or something as simple as seeing if the guy gets a manicure or the girl chooses to let moustache run rampant …… think again …..
The gaydar is probably best defined as the ability to pic out or discern the gender of a person with a relatively high accuracy. It’s been studied by psychiatrists (finally made themselves useful), gender studies experts and even neurologists and the results are quite interesting. For one thing thanks to the work of Ambady, Hallahan and Conner (Currently tenuring at Tufts I believe) we can now say hand on heart that if you showed a one second clip or even a photo of a person to a group of gay and straight men and women, gay men are by far the most likely to guess the gender correctly while straight men wouldn’t know a gay man if he bought him a beer and gave him a quick rub down ……
Which means that the so-called gaydar is actually one of those things that you need to learn, practice and hone. Unlike sexual orientation (which is one of those things you are born with); you actually need to work at it and learn it and the reason why gay men are better at it than say, gay women or the straight population is because gay men need it to “survive”. Thanks to societal pressures and the fact that it is/was largely considered taboo gay men have had to get really good at it to prevent a beat down, loss of their jobs etc …..
Having said that various panels, questionnaires and studies have been conducted to analyze exactly how the thing works and to this day they cant say that it depends on hair, behaviour, skin color, appearance or anything else. But they can say the it’s a type of intuition or impulse which means that it relies on a preconceived idea and is therefor hotwired over time.
So it’s not something that requires active thinking but is rather something that we do subconsciously by taking in the person as a whole. Kind of like the type of thing you’d do when picking out a friend on your first day of school. You talk to them but you don’t know why you do it exactly.
The problem with this type of hotwiring is that it’s labile and isn’t 100% efficient … it’s also easily lost if not used enough (which explains why straight men are crap at it). It largely depends on the following:
- experience: whether you’ve actually seen or are exposed to people of varying sexual orientation, and if you, yourself are comfortable with yours.
- mood state
- Stereotypes you may have with regards to clothing, a lisp or say pink hair.
- Predispositions: do you want the ride that fine ass? or hoo hoo?
So when all is said and done it’s kind of one of these things that does exist, but you have to work on ….. alot. You also have to clear your head for it to work right and you pretty much have to go out there and let that freak flag fly!
But there is an important question that none of the studies mentioned above tries to address and that point is probably the most important and interesting of all; as homosexuality becomes more socially acceptable will the need to hone this skill dwindle? Will that sixth sense shrink like a residual organ and be left a useless remnant of it’s formal self?
Could a Liberal Society kill the gaydar?
Only time will tell ……
…. The High Point of my Day …..
Before people start denying it, 99% of those of us will pee pees and 71% of those of us with hoo hoos have done it and no I’m not talking about trying smoking, weed or booze, I’m talking about masturbation ….. which is why I think that the other respective 1 and 33 percent are liars and should be shot or caught in the act and put on Beautiful Agony.
And ofcourse as with all things which tend to give us pleasure that we can’t measure medical science (I use the term liberally in this case) has been poking and prodding at it for centuries trying to find some reason to hark on about how unhealthy it is. Doctors have blamed everything from psychosis, to delirium to mythical hairy palms, to acne and jaundice and even cancer on poor old masturbation without a shred of evidence to support it to this day.
Personally I think the bastards made that up so that they can sell parents a chastity belts for little Cindy and Tom (an industry that is still flourishing to this day ….. the bastards ….); the fact of the matter is that there are only two medical conditions that one can attribute to masturbation and both are thankfully very rare and only occur in men.(Women know how to treat the hoo hoo with the love and respect it deserves)
His and hers chastity belts …. tripe of the highest order …. I wonder when some zealot will try and make wearing them a law …….
To be honest, it’s the guys own fault; the first is a stricture or phimosis* which occurs as a result of too much tugging and hula hooping while you’re romancing yourself and the second is a snapping or fracture of the penis which happens when jerk offs just don’t know how to jerk off (you never bend the little soldier! ever! Fucking retards …. )
The only thing women have to be afraid of is breaking the padlock on the gateway of pleasure as it were (means breaking the hymen for the less metaphorically inclined among us) which, while being a big problem in our fair society is not that big a problem in a medical sense and although it may act as a deterrent in some cases a really doubt it does in many.
Besides people who masturbate are freeing themselves from bucket loads (well not bucket loads …. unless you count the psychological ones associated with stress and depression) of disease. Men can rest assured that their risks of prostate cancer infection, urinary infections and heart attacks drop like bricks from a government run hospital and women can rest assured that while there are no clear cut evidence that masturbation will rock your world (well at least not the first time you give it a try), make you smarter or be a perfect part of your weight loss program it does hep strengthen your pelvic muscles, alleviate some of the grief that Aunt Flow gives you every couple of weeks and depending on the time of the month make you more fertile (don’t know whether you’d really want that though ……)
And lets not forget mutual masturbation! While it may not be for everyone and is probably a little awkward if you aren’t in the mood it can help you get to know your partner, the best places to start when you’re doing the nasty and what they like most. Which, in the long run will help your “bedside manner” as it were and probably be a damn sight better than any of our more popular televised relationship experts who will not be named because her name …. lord bless the damn woman but she gives me an ulcer in less than ten minutes ….. ya3yoony ……
So boys and girls rest assured there’s nothing wrong with rubbing one off every now and then (the average is 4-5 times a week in your 20’s) or giving that mouse a double click…….
One More Reason Why you Lovely Ladies should go for a C-Section
if it’s all the same I’d rather be put to sleep if I’m going to have this shit for brains down my boo ha ha.*
(Be Sure to watch the deleted scenes, you have to click on the post title or one of the the buttons at the end to see the actual flash file …. it is quite vulgar ….. apologies ……)
* If I ever had one …….
Summer of Love, Stiffies and Waterlillies ….
Tis the summer and we are all in heat, this while providing endless hours of entertainment for you and other/better/far more attractive half who-ever he or she may be, will provide most health care workers with an incessant headache and very little sleep. The problems sex brings just about start at STDs (which bar HIV and hepatitis, are actually quite easy to treat) and end with a myriad of fractures (yes, penile fractures do exist, it’s the shaft that breaks but there’s no actual bone involved), impacted foreign bodies and tangled limbs which often result in a rather awkward visit to your favorite local casualty.
It’s strange how clumsy people can be when they try to do things themselves. I can hardly keep track of the number of 16 year olds who come in to have their hymens checked, their testicles examined (they tend to get them twisted, which cuts of their blood supply and causes incredible agony) or complaining from rug burns, keloids (yes, keloids), scars and bruises on their stiffies and water lillies, all because they can’t get a hold of them selves (literally).
Getting some one to lend a hand or an orifice doesn’t help either; first timers tend to end up with teeth marks (yes, they do leave a scar) and hickeys (both of which aren’t exactly the kind of things you’d want to peer at in the shower).
And then there are the pioneers(=retards who have a bagpipe fetish) ……
How many professionals (=porn stars) have you seen blowing air into some-one vagina when they’re going down on them?
Have you ever wondered why they never do that?
It’s because ever since the 1930’s people have known that if you blow air up some-ones hoo hoo it has to go somewhere, usually the brain, abdomen or lungs leading to a stroke, pulmonary embolism (clot in the lung) or severe abdominal pain.
Then there’s recto-anal stimulation. I’ve come to expect everything from brooms, to cucumbers, to deodorants and even beads to come marching up to casualty sandwiched between 2 pale bum cheeks. These while presumed safe when the person “wasn’t really thinking” may cause rectal tearing, anal fissuring and of-course excruciating pain both on the way in and out. The trick in these cases (as with most things) is to take it slow, start small and know exactly what you are doing.
The excuses people usually give are either I was asleep when it happened, I fell on it by mistake or that they were trying to stick their hemorrhoids back in (yes; they were trying to stick their hemorrhoids back in….). The patients usually come with an accomplice who tries to remain silent and may carry a guilty look followed by sheer horror once the x-rays/ CTs are done and a subsequent sigh of relief once the object is recovered/delivered (and yes you do get to keep it; the mystic ass box from TV doesn’t really exist; if it did it would be more like a giant U-haul than a box)*
Well at least people still haven’t heard of rectal rodents yet …. that’ll probably lead to a rabies epidemic all across the damn country.
So the next time you and your partner decide to do the nasty make sure you that you have as much fun as you can and actually know what your doing (it’s what the internet was made for people !)
* well maybe not a u-haul but it would definitely be a big ass box….
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